PAT BUTLER | UNPACKING THE GRIEf OF DIVORCE. THANKS FOR LEAVING ME!

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And it's time to take the helm. If you're in the midst of a divorce, Pat Butler is joining us today, and she's written a book called thanks For Leaving Me. Stay tuned.

Are you facing a crisis in your life or business? It's time to steer yourself in the right direction through the real experiences, passion and courage of our guests who are taking the helm. With your host, Lynn McLaughLynn .

00:00:30

It's my pleasure to introduce Pat Butler. After 40 years of marriage, her husband Left her, and she has written a book, as I said in the intro, called thanks For Leaving Me, as well as a journal to help people through divorce. We have so much to talk about. Hi, Pat. And thanks for joining us from Toronto to take the helm with us today.

00:00:50

Thank you so much for inviting me to chat with you, Lynn.

Well, I have to tell you, I was so intrigued when I heard about the title of your book, thanks For Leaving Me, and I thought, well, that's interesting. How do you thank someone for walking away? So, let's start with that, Pat, what happened in your life that just totally shocked you and took you aback?

00:01:11
Well, I had a very happy life with a very nice husband and wonderful children and so on. And my career, I don't know if you want to know about it, but I'll throw in the back, of course. I was a physics and math teacher originally. Stayed home with my kids for five years. I did a master's in education, got into training consulting, and we retired. I retired in 2006, and my husband retired in 2005, and we started traveLynng the world. And then in 2009, he connected with somebody and pulled the plug on the marriage after only two months of knowing this woman.

Oh, my goodness.
And after 41 years of marriage, it was quite a shock. And anyway, I survived, as one does. Our separation happened really relatively quickly. Within five months, we were separated, learned to live alone, and then married again in 2014 when I found a wonderful new husband. Now, in 2016, I felt moved to sit on my back deck with all my journals that I had been writing in during my separation and write a book. And out came. Thanks for reading me. My first version was all over the place because I didn't want to give away family secrets. But then I took a course at University of Toronto, and I hired my professor as my writing coach and editor, and she really helped me tighten things up. So we call it an embellished memoir embellished and something still protected, I would think.

00:02:52

Yes. There's Marriage One, which is about what happened with my first husband. And I did various things to change his identities and things that happened with us. But the second chapter is called Recovery. Third one is marriage, too. And everything that happened in those two areas is absolutely. The way it happened, except for the names and the reason I wrote it, was because I was in my late 60s when this happened. And I know a number of women and men who, when they find themselves by them alone later in life, they just give up and say, oh, well, I'm just going to play a lot of golf. I'm going to do a lot of drinking. There are many, many wonderful things left in life. And so that's why I did. Thanks for leaving me. Now, it got into the hands I got into the hands of David Frankel, who's a young divorce lawyer in Toronto. He'd written an article about divorce in the Global Mail, sent him a copy. He loved it. He started recommending it to his friend, his clients, rather, and because they found it helpful and inspiring.

00:04:05

Oh, my goodness. Let me just go back to that. Because I interrupted you there.

I just can't imagine what the grieving process must have looked like. And I'm sure there's still a point where there's regret. No.

Oh, I still miss him terribly. I mean, I wouldn't say that I'm in loving them anymore, but I particularly find my children's birthdays difficult. Of course, when they were born, they were both born in November. It's a togetherness thing. You makes the babies and you bring them home and you bring them up, particularly when they had milestone birthdays, like turning 40 and turning 50. My goodness. I felt sad for a day. But I have learned, and this is part of my training from my masters in education, I've learned the importance of living when sadness and giving myself permission to go for a long walk by myself or something like that, or do some writing to let myself live my sadness and grief. Because it's the only way it's ever going to stop affecting my mood.

00:05:16
So for someone who's in the midst of this right now, just separated, just getting the shocking news that you did, what's a guiding piece of advice you would give them, because that time has just got to be so how do you start to get bearings again?

Well, may I mention my second book? Of course, yes.

00:05:38

That was going to be my next question.

But don't be careful. My new book, which I ended up writing with David Frankel, this young lawyer I referred to, is a workbook. It's called my divorce journal. A Guided Path to Moving Forward. Now, the way it came about because and the reason I immediately think about chapter one when you ask me that question, about the upheaval. I was going to have lunch with David at the very beginning of COVID and it was canceled for obvious reasons. And I said, Darn, I wanted to tell you about this idea I have for a workbook, because I had done some seminars on divorce recovery called Suddenly Single, which he knew about, and he sent his clients to and I've done that four times, four sessions in each, and I've done it four times. And I decided I had enough looking backwards and I wanted to start looking forward and putting something down and writing that I didn't have to live through. When you're doing a seminar, you're very, very involved. Of course. And when he heard my idea, I said, I'm thinking of taking some of the exercises from my seminars and putting them into a workbook. I can grade two arithmetic workbook. And he said, May I be your co author?

00:07:00

Oh, my gosh. What an honor. What an honor. I was absolutely thrilled because he being a divorce lawyer, he knows all the legal side. And so we've written this book together without seeing each other face to face at all. Exactly. We got the book we had thanks to Working from Home, and so we've divided it into there are five chapters, and the first one is called first of all, I'll just read to you the names of the chapters. If you don't mind reacting to upheaval, then Managing Logistics, which involves sharing the news with family and friends, taking Care of Your Children, how to Tell the Children About What's Happening. Part four is navigating your feeLynngs after the dust settles. And number five is moving forward. And in number five, we talk about if you do decide that you want to find another partner, whether it's a live in person or just a casual dating, we give dos and don'ts about how to make that happen. Brilliant. So the reacting to Upheaval is the part that I found the hardest because in my own situation, my sons were married, living in different parts of the country, and funny things started to happen at home. And I confronted him and found there were things going on. And so that was an extremely difficult time, because once you open the door on a piece of information like, I think our marriage is ending, it's a heavy thing. And there's a lot of grieving.

 
00:08:47

I would say we have didn't mention in this workbook. We have 83 exercises and three worksheets. And at the end of every chapter you do a worksheet, and one of them is called Checking My Emotional Pulse.

You know what? I love it. I love it. I love it. After I had my brain tumor, right, my surgery a year later, I developed writing prompts from my journals. I think it's just really interesting, the connection that you use journals right from the beginning to take you on this Pathway to helping so many people who are going through such a it's traumatic. It's a traumatic time in their life. So you mentioned one of the chapters, Being Children, and we are about to really hone in on taking the helm to the niche of children's emotional well being. We're working in the background to make that happen within the next few weeks. Huge, huge launch coming up and I'm a child of divorce right? Of divorced parents. I've got stepbrothers, I've got stepsisters, stepmom and dad all that kind of stuff happening on because they both chose to remarry and ages of children matter a great deal as well. So talk to me about that chapter and what guiding words you have for parents who are trying to support their children right now through this.

00:10:05

Well the first thing we recognize is that we divide children into two categories dependent and independent. So dependent children, they may be in your twenty s and they're off at university but if they come home and live under your life, under your roof at all, then we consider them dependent children and then independent children. Now an error that I made myself because as I said earlier both of my sons were married. It never occurred to me to reach out to them and say how are you getting on? Like what do you think about all this news? I never gave them an opening. It took me about eight months before in doing some reading it came across the idea that we all as adults need to be given a chance to open our hearts and explain how we're feeLynng about things in order to recover. So we say at the beginning of the chapter we make this division into dependent and independent and those with only independent children might choose to just jump right to the end of the chapter. That's their choice. We have a section on telLynng the children. We have five overarching principles which I would like to share with you. One is that children are innocent. They don't cause the divorce. They didn't contribute to the failed marriage. Principle two children are vulnerable. Principle three children want to know why. They observe an explanation of the breakup. One correlated to their age and that makes sense to them. You're naturally going to use more grownup language with a ten year old and a three year old. Principle four children deserve to know what to expect in the family in the future.

I can imagine the questions going through their minds.

Oh yeah, where am I going to live? Who's going to take care of me? Am I going to have to move away? Do I have to leave my school? Oh my gosh, my friends, all of it.

00:12:08

So all those questions like we give quotes like the exercise, what questions will each child want to ask you? What questions may they be afraid to ask? What questions should you proactively answer. Although they haven't been verbalized, we put a lot of really careful attention into these questions for people to respond to in their own journals, waiting in a blank journal. So principle number four children deserve to know what to expect in the future. Their separation will result in the children's world being changed forever. And principle number five principle five children deserve an apology. May be unable to say you're sorry to your spouse, but your children deserve a heartfelt apology. And then we have a very extensive section which I won't go into right now, but on how to prepare for the conversation. Now, you and your spouse should do this preparing together. And if you're at Locker Heads, it may not be something that he or she particularly feels like being involved in, but it's absolutely crucial. And we go into all kinds of detail about setting the stage, turning off closing all the doors, turning off all the devices and phones and everything and getting everybody's attention. And we give practically a script for people to go through to make sure that the children get their message, get the important message, which is going to be great for them to hear. I know somebody who is actually a family member whose parents divorced when she was eight, and she can tell you right now what she was wearing that day and what he had for dinner that night.

00:13:57

I remember the conversation, too. I do. I remember yeah, when my father came home and yeah, oh, yeah, I remember that vividly. Isn't that how old were you? I was the oldest of four, and I think it was around 13 when the separation actually happened and the divorce came several years later. Pat, I want to go back to what you said about your grown up sons, your married sons, and I've just put my hat on as if I were that child. And I can understand why they didn't vote to the subject with you because they were protecting you. It's their own way of saying, mom's got to deal with this and the way mom wants to deal with it, and she'll talk to us when she wants to talk to us. I think they've they probably were in the protective mode.

00:14:37

They probably were. But it was lovely when I did get around many months later, giving them an opening and to find out their reactions. Now, they have worked very hard on being loyal to their father, and this is something which an outsider might say, oh, my goodness, given what happened. But there's a very important principle to divorce that I have come to embrace, which is when a divorce happens, there's a little bit of blame on each person's side. Nobody is blameless. And the thing is that when you are the one who's being left, you and your friend gather around and they say, oh, isn't he terrible? But there must have been things which I put up with as a spouse that annoyed me, that I didn't want to raise. I've always been a very non confrontational person, the way I was brought up, and so it was my husband, and so I realized now I should have expressed my own needs and wants in a more clear way than I did. So the fact is that with my sons and grandchildren, I have five. I want to always treat my ex with friendLynness when we're nearby each other, which we are periodically, once in a blue moon I don't ever want. And I got this help from the therapist at the very beginning. She said, Pat, the tone that you set around interactions with your ex is going to last a lifetime.

00:16:24

And for your children and your grandchildren, and they will know it, and they will sense it absolutely if you start. Criticizing him even in the most passive aggressive way, throwing out little comments about, oh, isn't this terrible because of bubble. And I took that really to heart and I've lived it the whole time and I must say it has paid off.

And those conversations, those difficult conversations need to happen outside of the presence of children. Those are private conversations. Right? Well, I commend you in making this available for people who are in the midst of a really trying time of their lives and putting children in their own mental health and well being at the forefront. You mentioned in our previous conversation another resource that she discovered that you want to talk about

00:17:10

Yes. I came across a book by a man named William Bridges, and it's called Transitions making Sense of Life's Changes. And he describes, he says with every transition and they can be a negative thing like a divorce or a death in the family, or a positive, like moving across the country, or starting a new career, or moving into a new house. And in every time you have a major transition in your life, there are three stages. There is endings, then the neutral zone and then new beginnings. And when you think of it, if you were suppose you're living in a house that you bought early in your marriage and then you are now moving 300 miles away, the endings going around and saying goodbye to the house and thinking reliving the time you brought a baby home to it and all that kind is really quite wonderful. So we discussed these three things. David and I have used his model and we have a graphic and we use this model in the book a lot. And that the part that really surprised me in my research and in my own recovery is the neutral zone. The middle part because we're incLynned when you're feeLynng sad, oh, I know, I'm going to go and get myself a new car. The neutral zone is all about drifting and letting yourself drift, go off by yourself. And the wonderful thing about the neutral zone is the source of self renewal when we need it. Just the way an apple tree needs the cold of winter. I love that you need to let yourself absolutely turn into a ball, turn off your phone, ignore people. I'm not saying permanently, but maybe over a weekend. I personally went off to Stratford, Ontario when I was going through a very bad time and one of my early womans went poof. I went off to Stratford, Ontario, got myself single seats, which are very easy to do at the last minute. Barely spoke to anybody else in the bed and breakfast. I stayed in. I didn't even really say much to the owner. And I realized afterwards that I was in the neutral zone. But when I got home, I didn't even take my cell phone with me, believe it or not, for those three days. It was over July 1, 2011, and when I got home, I was creeping back. I'd let my emotions go into this cold that the apple trees need. It's beautiful.

00:19:58

And to me, and I might be wrong, but we've all had difficult times in our lives. We've all had Craces. Right? That neutral zone has got to be the toughest part. It's the toughest part because you have to find your new way.

And we go into quite a lot of in the book, we go into quite a lot of detail and suggestions about things that you might do in this neutral zone, but just recognizing that it happens. Now, I have heard you say, Lynn, that you are a Type A personality, and I'm very much a Type A personality as well. And those of us who fit that category just want to get on with things. Okay, all right, this is happening. Let's go to know I've been looking this is why it was so important for me to understand this concept, and I want the world to know about it.

And, you know, an awful moment for me was I don't remember who I was speaking to. I think I was in a collaborative network at one point. And if you're a go go, do do do do person, you really need to pause and ask yourself, Why?

00:20:56

Yes.
Why aren't you embracing some moments of peace and quiet and being present and walking?
Why? Why do you feel the need to be go go going and do do doing all the time? I'll just leave with that question. Oh, boy. All right, where can people find you and your books?

00:21:17

Well, I have a website which is called Fresh Startpress. All. One word. Fresh start. Press. And I've got thanks for Leaving Me is on there. And also my divorce journal, both of those books. And then there's a historical fiction that I've written as well, which has nothing to do with Fresh Start. But these books are available through Amazon all over the world, and in Canada, Indigo, and so that's where people can join them.

Let me just ask you a quick question because we're in the midst of my co author and I making a decision. Ours are available in French. Are you thinking about translating to any other languages? Because we're considering Arabic and Spanish as well.

I think we need to watch our numbers grow a little more than that in order to make it worthwhile. We have had wonderful kudos from five experts in the field, which we sent the manuscript to. The one on the COVID reads a top of the list guidebook for separating and divorcing parents. And that is said by Barbara Fiddler, PhD, cLynnical developmental psychologist. And she trains judges and lawyers about child custody issues.

00:22:39

Oh, perfect. She has given us this big advanced praise, which is wonderful. And then there's more inside once and but David and I recognize that this is a marathon, not a sprint, getting into the world. And over time, like, maybe in a year, we might consider it going into another language. But we're still in the early stages.

I love to ask fellow authors these questions. There's different perspectives. I still appreciate you joining us today.

Well, thank you so much for I really am thrilled to be chatting with you, Lynn, and I wish you well in your new what's the word? Mode focus on mental health of children. I think it's hugely important right now.

00:23:24

Thank you very much and thanks for speaking about children today as well. Thanks.

Next week's guest is Cindy Tank Murphy. She's the best selLynng author of the book called The Strength to Live finding, HeaLynng and Hope after a Loss from Suicide. The book guides us through the darkness that she felt after losing her father to suicide. She's also going to be speaking about her first hand experience of supporting her daughter through mental health struggles. Be healthy and safe everyone, and we'll see you in two weeks time on Taking the Home.

Thanks for tuning in and posting your review of Taking the Home on your favorite platform. We’ll give you a shoutout in a future episode. To be inspired by people who are steering us in the right direction. Go to lynnmclaughlin.com where you can search previous guests for the topic of your choice. And while you're there, download Lynn's gift. There's more than one way to get through a crisis.

Anthea Mumby | Disruption Serves! Anchoring Yourself to Pull Forward

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00:00:00
Well, before I introduce this week's guest, I have to say I'm so excited. I am so excited. Pod Chasers has contacted me to tell me that we are in the top 10% in our Listen score globally. I have to thank you, I have to thank you, listeners and viewers and anyone who's connected to us on Taking the helm. Our guests, incredible people who continue to change lives. Now, with that, if you are in a couple business and you have faced disruptions with your company which directly affects your personal lives with one income between the two of you, listen up. Anthea Mumby is our guest today.

00:00:42 Music Intro

Are you facing a crisis in your life or business? It's time to steer yourself in the right direction through the real experiences, passion and courage of our guests. We're taking the helm with your host, Lynn McLaughlin .

00:00:59
And it's time to welcome today's guest, Anthea mumbie. While she's had some disruptions in her life, started working at the age of 13 in a family business. We'll talk about how all that transitioned, how she's now off in a partner owned business with her husband, the challenges, the disruptions that have occurred along the way, but how they got through it and how they're supporting other business owners, partners as well today. Well, Anthea, welcome another guest from Ontario beyond. Excited to have you today.

00:01:31
Thanks, Lynn. Great to be here.

00:01:33

Well, how about you start with just sharing a little bit about yourself and who you are and what brought you on this journey to where you are today.

00:01:41

Okay, so I always say I'm a lifelong entrepreneur, I grew up in a family business. I'm unemployable lifelong entrepreneur. Yeah. And I grew up in a family business, insurance brokerage. I worked for my parents for 20 years and then my husband joined the business and we continued on, purchased the business from my brokerage, from my parents a few years later. And the two of us have been working together for 25 years and, yeah, I'm a very proud mother. My daughter is 26 and she's now living out in Halifax, doing her residency for a few years. And yeah, Douglas and I are celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary this, this July, so and he has a milestone birthday as well this year. So lots of cool things going on this year for 2023.

00:02:43

I'm just recalLynng why we connected so well. I've got a son in Kentfield doing his PhD. We're on our 33rd anniversary coming up. But I have to say, I think I can say this, my husband and he would agree with me. I don't know that we would be celebrating our 33rd anniversary if we were working in a business together 24/7. So I know you're going to share some insights with us, with us today, emphasis. So the challenges you must let's delve into that like being with someone at home and at work, but you figured it out. What are some of your secrets?

00:03:15

Oh, my goodness. Secrets are and some of this we learned, obviously through the school of hard knocks, and we had a lot of our own challenges over the years. But there's a couple of things, and a lot of it really comes back to the boundaries that you set that you agree on as a couple of business together. So you got to have good boundaries around when do the business conversations begin and when do they end? Because we were guilty. We were known for going from 06:00 in the morning until our heads hit the pillow at night, and it was just non stop. Non stop, non stop. So that was something that was really important for us to resolve. What else? The roles, like clarity. Right. Who's doing what, who's responsible for what, who has their own area to shine in, and their spouse has their area as well. So that way there's less chaos and confusion and stepping on each other's toes and the conflict that can come as a result of that. And we recognized it that we were competing in certain areas in our business years ago. And so we had to come up with a different way because my husband and I are both very competitive people.

00:04:50

I wanted to ask about the personalities because I'm a control freak. My husband's a little might work. I don't think so.

Exactly.

00:04:59

No, I shouldn't say that. I mean, the strategies that you're sharing with us could certainly help you if you put them in place before you begin to work together, I think. Right. And then you work through it as you have.

00:05:10

Yeah. Or even if you need to revisit it as time goes on and roles change and your business grows or your empty nesters, whatever it is, it's time to take pause and review and look at, okay, what are the next steps? What's the vision for the future look like?

00:05:32

All right, now let's go back to 2015. Pre pandemic. And you were really facing a difficult time in your business.

Yeah. We call it the staffing tsunami that we have at the outset of 2015. And this was when it was a series of personal challenges and difficulties that our team members were experiencing at that point in time. And because of those personal reasons, they all needed to step away. They all needed to take a break from working for us and deal with the challenges they were experiencing at the time. And so where that left Douglas and I is that within a matter of a few weeks, we were down. There were two of us and one his assistant that were left in the team. So it was tough. It was really, really tough.

Yeah. Because you have the same number of clients, the same number of demands, and three people are now doing the work. How did you get through Anthea?

00:06:40

Well, we were very resilient. We were very committed to we had just drawn up a vision. It was interesting because we had just drawn up a three year vision right before this happened for our business. So we kind of said, well, we've decided this is what we want to do, so how do we become more resourceful? And what are some things that we could do that will allow us to get through this period of time? And, yeah, I mean, it wasn't all rainbows and unicorns. We didn't make perfect decisions on all of it, but we made enough of the right decisions that, yeah, we kept our business open and we got it back on track. And ultimately, we ended up achieving that vision that we had cast.

00:07:31

So having something concrete that you could fall back on, can you give me one specific example of what you did? Did it involve maybe tech and streamLynning things some way? I'm just curious.

Yeah, it involved outsourcing our customer service for a period of time. So one of our insurance companies that we dealt with that had a lot of our clients, we had insured, many of our clients were insured with them. And they actually had a structure, a call center, and that allowed us to funnel the calls, the client calls, into their call center for a period of time because we had thousands of clients. There was no way. There was no way. And more so is the fact that my husband and his assistant were not licensed for the type of insurance that these clients had with our business. So literally, it would have all fallen on me. So thank goodness we approached one of this insurance company partner and said, here's the situation. Could you give us help us out here for a few months while we restaff? And they did.

00:08:41

Not something you ever would have considered before, but it is how we get through challenging times, is trying to find different, unique solutions right, that will serve us and get us to that end point where we can breathe again. So kudos to you. Kudos to you. All right, so you are now helping partners, the businesses who are run by partners, spouses, give us some insights into what that looks like.

00:09:05

Yeah, so it looks like for me, it's about helping them get some of the structure in place so that they will be ahead of the game and don't maybe have to go through some of the challenges that Douglas and I did over the years. Because what we do is we cast a vision right at the beginning that helps them to have just clarity, and it's something that they can keep coming back to, just like I do. I share my story where things start to come off track and off rails, and it embodies the values that you agree upon for the business. So keep coming back to those values. You'll make better business decisions as a result of that. Business decisions that are in alignment with your core values.

00:09:56

And I have been in hiding for about a month now, totally re envisioning my mission and my vision. Does that make sense? But really, working behind the scenes, I do this. I have this whole wall of brainstorming. Nope, that doesn't work. Oh, this fits here, that fits there. And, yeah, I can see the clarity now. I have a session, actually, next week with my resource team, the people that I go to, to say, what do you think? And we're going to throw it all out there. I guess you don't want to do that alone, right. Anthea, that's why you're helping people. The clarity comes when people throw ideas at you that you never possibly would have even thought about yourself.

00:10:36

Exactly. This is it. Things just show up that you never would have considered. Right. Or even hat your eyes open. Just light bulb moments, I call them. That's where it makes it really interesting and fun and gives them the opportunity to get outside of their own fish bowl. Sometimes we tend to do that as entrepreneurs. We get into our own little fishbowl.

 
00:10:58

And we need to or we grab the new fanciest thing that's out there that isn't going to serve us well. So if you have a clear vision and vision and maybe some goals set out not maybe goals set out, then you could say, no, that's not going to work for me. Especially when all of these vultures come at us all the time trying to sell us something, right?

00:11:17

Yeah. All day, every day.

00:11:19

So I want to go back to the beginning of our conversation, Anthea, where you mentioned you were working with your father in a family business, and that ended up closing. That must have been a difficult process. I mean, you went from a network of people to branching off on your own and taking your husband with you.\

00:11:36

Yeah, it was quite a process. And it took some time. I felt I had fully prepared for that business sale, and I realized it was probably about a year and a half after the sale had closed that I was grieving. I was grieving that business and that I had gone from thousands of clients, and I had said, I'm going to go into the unknown and start over with no clients. Right. And things weren't being done the way I had done them, you know, and things were things were different. And it was really it took some time for me to realize, like, you know what? You're actually grieving you're you're grieving this business, and it's okay. Right. Like, again, I worked in it since I was 13 years old. Right. So it had really been a big part of my identity for decades, for sure. So to say it's okay, you're grieving this, and then to have a process to go through that and to come outside the other side and go, yeah, you know what? I'm all right, and I'm excited about the future.

00:13:02

You just raised a very good point about delayed. Sometimes those emotions don't come to us right away. That's what PTSD is all about, isn't it? Right. It's things that hit us afterwards. So you found your way through, and you and I actually met at a retreat up in Oakville where we had several business owners trying to define what their future past were and be able to let some things go and then be very clear on where we were going. And it was a pleasure to meet you there.

Yeah, absolutely. It was a wonderful day.

00:13:34

All right, so let's go back in time again, because we always talk about children's emotional well being. So with everything that you and your partner went through during those times, if you could go back and say, what could I have? And we don't do, should have, could have, would have. We're only asking these questions because we can help young parents today maybe do things better than we did. Right. No judgment. No judgment at all. Totally honesty. What could you have done for self care, maybe for yourself, that you would have been able to model for your daughter?

00:14:07
Yeah, that's a great question. I think what I could have done differently or what I would offer to others is how to make that transition from your business to your home life at the end of the day. So I would come home, and oftentimes my husband would pick up our daughter from school. He'd be running out to get her before the school day, the pickup time, and I'd be running home, and I'd be running around trying to get dinner on the table. And I would give myself that break to just sort of, okay, let's take half an hour, like 20 minutes, half an hour to just, you know, decompress, like, go for a walk, meditate, journal, like, process that day. And instead, I would, you know, just go right into more activity. Like, let's keep the activity going. And I'd be famous for, like, I'd be cooking dinner, and I'd say to my husband, I really need to go to the Watchroom right now, but I got to get this done. And he'd say, no, what is this? And I'd be like, well, that past is boiLynng, or this is doing this. And honestly, if I go back in time, I think of my daughter. What would have been better for her mental health and her experience would have been a mom who was a little more balanced and had had some time to kind of let that frenetic work day go and be fully present at the dinner table instead of continuing on and talking about the challenges of the day and business. Still with my husband, there like, we're here, this little kid. So, yeah, I would offer that to others. Whether you're an entrepreneur or whatever, anybody have that find a way to give yourself that space between what you're doing in your in your work day and then transitioning into your your evening.

00:16:28

Don't just pause the treadmill. Stop the treadmill. So much of what you're saying is resonating with me and hundreds of thousands of listeners because that treadmill is going faster and faster these days. Thank you for those words of wisdom.

Yeah, my pleasure.

Okay. All right. So as we close out today, Anthea, what are you offering people?

00:17:37

Yeah, what I'm really excited about right now, Lynn, is helping these entrepreneurial couples get them set up for success by casting their vision together, their co created vision. And the other thing that I'm excited to offer this year is to provide help for insurance broker principal owners who may be going through a period of disruption where maybe there's been a health challenge or maybe they need to take some time off because they have a family member who's unwell or they just need a break. So I'm able to step in and provide because of my background in the insurance industry, I can help there as well. Yeah. Awesome.

00:18:23

And how can people reach you? We'll put this in the show notes, everyone.

Yeah, my website is https://www.dreamteamconsulting.ca/

and I'm on LinkedIn and my name is very unique, so I'm easy to find.

Anthea Mumby. I love it. Okay, well, thank you so much for joining us and sharing your insights. We haven't had a guest yet in I think we're up to 112 of you who've joined us, who has talked about this topic. So much appreciated.

Oh. Thanks, Lynn. It's been a wonderful discussion today. Appreciate it.

00:18:57

All right, take care. And let me introduce our next guest in this way. She's written a book called “Thanks for Leaving Me”. Pat Butler was stunned by the departure of her husband. After 40 years. She's written this book, taken it a journey, rediscovered herself and everything happens for a reason. We'll find out why and much more. See you in two weeks’ time. Stay healthy and safe.

00:19:23 Music Outro

Thanks for tuning in and posting your review of taking the helm on your favorite platform. We'll give you a shout-out in a future episode to be inspired by people who are steering us in the right direction, go to lynnmclaughlin.com, where you can search previous guests by the topic of your choice. And while you're there, download Lynn's gift. There's more than one way to get through a crisis.

Julia DeLucca-Collins | Find Your Confident You! Overcoming Saboteurs and Reaching Your Dreams

Listen Link

[00:00:00]

Good day, everyone. If you are a woman who wants to launch a business or who has launched a business and you've got some saboteurs, things aren't moving along the way they should be. You want to find that confident you join us today with Julie Delucca Collins.

[00:00:19]

Music Intro
Are you facing a crisis in your life or business? It's time to steer yourself in the right direction through the real experiences, passion and courage of our guests. We're taking the helm with your host, Lynn McLaughlin .

[00:00:36]

Our guest, Julie Delucca Collins, was forced to stop in a very successful career and find a new way just over three years ago. Julie is going to talk to us about that, where she is now, what she's offering women entrepreneurs, and how we can find our confident us. You can find your confident you. She's a podcast host, she's the best selling author and so much more. Hi, Julie.

[00:01:01]

Well, Julie, it's a new year. You are a second guest. And I am humbled and honored to have someone who is so renowned, so knowledgeable, and you have so much to share with us and our listeners and viewers that it's really hard to hone in and focus on two or three main topics because you have such a wealth of information. So thank you for being with us, Lynn. The pleasure is mine.

I am so honored to be here. You're an incredible woman. You're doing some incredible work. I am so happy that we connected, found each other, and thank you again for the opportunity to be here. Yeah, and let's just talk because the power of collaboration everyone, I have a friend, Trisha and I amazing lady.

[00:01:42

Collaboration over competition. And that's how Julie and I met, right? And that's how a lot of these things happen, is when you reach out and open the doors to new possibilities. I guess I'll say.

100%. All right, so, Julie, taking helm, as you and I have discussed, we've got to go back to where you what happened in your life, to take you to where you are today with this amazing business and helping other business owners become successful. What happened? You know, taking the helm, I think it's been a theme throughout my life, and I bet that it is in the lives of many people, and yet we don't recognize that. When I look back, the one moment among many.

[00:02:23]

But the one defining moment for me in taking the helm was really at the beginning of the Pandemic. I was chief innovation officer for an educational company out of New York. I've been in the education industry for over 20 years and had grown up through and up the corporate ladder. I was loving what I did. I really felt so committed and passionate about helping school districts and students and parents overall.

[00:02:48]

And when the Pandemic hit, I knew that we needed to refocus Pivot, do what we needed to to be able to provide support at the same time in my personal life, I knew that eventually I wanted to do something different. I volunteered in a lot of programming leadership programs here in colleges and universities. At the time, I was part of the Connecticut Advisory Board for the Governor for Women and Girls, and I knew that that was something that I really felt passionate about. And then the dreaded call came in on a Tuesday from the CEO of the company in New York and he said, Hi, I have to do something very difficult. We are not in a great position, and you and another one of our C level team members, we have to offer you a separation package.

[00:03:39]

And when he said that, the first thought I had, I'm like, oh, my God, yes, of course. How did I not get this? This would be the right thing for the company to survive, especially not being able to provide services in school, not knowing where we were going to be. And then the second thought that came was, okay, that's fine. I know exactly what I'm going to do.

And not to take away from the level of grief because there was a level of grief that came in after the shock. After the shock. I have a friend that he has the smile method and his second pillar, and that first is shock. And then you go into mock septins. And I went into the mock septence of the situation, but I knew that I was going to launch my own thing, go on my own, do something that I was passionate about, which was helping other women lift them up.

Throughout my career, I would always hear Lynn from women, oh, I wish I was as confident as you are. I want to fill in a blank and I don't find myself to be extra confident. Yes, I am confident. I am assertive. I raise my hand readily.

[00:04:59]
But I also suffer from that imposter syndrome. I also suffer from not having it together. And yet I keep showing up in that consistent action of showing up and creating the right habits for me. And again, not perfect at it, but I wanted to help other women leverage those tools, and that's how I knew what I was going to do. And that was my moment of taking the helm.

And that's how go Confidently Services was born. And that is taking the helm. And it's been how long now? It's going to be three years. Exactly. That's a short time. For a long time. My goodness. Okay, wild ride. It's been an amazing ride.

[00:05:43]

Yeah. Well, let's do the connection to your podcast. Well, when I launched Go Confidently Services and in the very beginning, I was like, well, I could do this and I could do that, and I was all over the place, right? Pearl. I call it pearl.

I call it attention Deficit of O'shiny. So I was in that moment and I immediately was working with a couple of different organizations. I was doing some consulting for them and kind of settling in. It was the beginning of April, no, beginning to second week of April, and I was supposed to have a big birthday in 2020 that I had been planning a big party. I was going to have friends and family and huge.

Now I still in my brain thought, oh, this party is definitely going to happen. This Lockdown thing is only a couple of weeks. But my husband, he knew better and he started to, in his very wise way, think to himself, okay, so I have a wife that is an extrovert in Lockdown who's not going to have this big party she's been planning and she got laid off. What can I do to do something that will distract her from what could be chaos? And he ordered podcasting equipment.

[00:07:03]

And when they came in, he said, Happy birthday, you're starting a podcast. And I said, what? I don't know. What do you mean? He's like, well, you've always talked about it.

You wanted to get your companies to start one and they never did. I think that you would be great. And I thought, I wouldn't even know what to do. And he said, of course you do. So he's like, I will edit it.

[00:07:26]

I will do the editing because that's something that comes easily. He's done sound in college and he is very techy. And he put me in front of a microphone. So we had to come up with a name. And I thought, well, I don't know what I would call it because I still was, not necessarily I knew the business was.

[00:07:45]

We named the business Go Confidently Services after the quote from Henry David Thoreau, go confidently in the direction of your dreams, which was a quote my dad said to me forever ago. And that became my mantra in my life. So Go Confidently Services was the name of the business and again, could not figure out. And then as we were sitting in the dining room, we have a sign that says Casa de Collins. Because I'm DuLuca and he's Collins.

[00:08:13]

We are Casa de Collins is what we call it. And then I thought maybe the podcast is Casa de Confidence, where you come and you talk about how you go constantly in the direction of your dreams. In the first episode, my husband interviewed me and we talked about my story. And that's how the podcast began. And that's how he created a little role for him as co host and psychic for himself, which he didn't intend.

But now I make him do it. I love that. I mean, the connection to how you came up with the name, that's fantastic. But every episode in your podcast series, you and your husband have a conversation. And as you've explained to me, it's not scripted.

It's just a natural thing that happens. And that's just it's real. It's down to earth. And I thank you for making that available to all of us. Well, thank you.

[00:09:03]

And the thing is that friends that know as well will say this is exactly how Julie and DNA are in real life. It's just us. It's our personality. It's how we merge together. And certainly I love being able to one, talk about our life, give people a glimpse into me, into our business, because now it's grown into go constantly.

Services is not only my business in which I'm helping women launch and grow a business, but there is also the component of our family, our home, Casa, the confidence, and Casa Collins is helping others. My husband now has his own little thing in which he is supporting women launch and grow a podcast if that's something they desire, because what we found is that many individuals have a message, and yet that tech part is the part that creates a lot of difficulty in challenges and takes away their confidence from doing so. So we wanted to change that for them. Well, it's certainly a learning curve. I'll speak to that from my own personal experience, for sure.

[00:10:10]

All right, so let's jump into and I'll just give a little context here. My listeners, my regular listeners understand understand this piece, but when I retired in 2018, I have a full time educator working 60, 70 hours a week in that role. I did that squirrel thing for about a year. I really, really did. And I made the mistake of not reaching out to someone like you, Julie, to find a mentor when I knew what I wanted to launch my own business, right?

So I kind of grappled with it. I'm in a great place now, but it's four years out. It's four years out. So let's go back to 2018 or any other person who's thinking about launching a business. You and I are talking about Saboteurs.

[00:10:53]

How is that getting in our way? Well, here's the thing, and this is one of the things that I've been working with a lot of my clients. And I will tell you that when I work on anything with my clients, it is because I've done the work myself and I've coached myself. I am my first and most successful client, but also my hardest client to work with. All of us have a judge inside of us that is really always finding fault in what we do.

[00:11:20]

And this is that cognitive distortions that we say to ourselves and the things that cause a lot of anxiety and suffering and conflict in what we do. We question ourselves and we can visit as to what causes this judge and what are the things and the lies that is always repeating to you. But also the judge primarily started because it was trying to keep you safe as a child. It was trying to keep you mentally and physically safe. And eventually those thoughts and behaviors are the ones that actually sabotage you later on as adults and for us, every time as an individual when we're launching a business, oh, you're not doing it well enough.

[00:12:10]

Look at right. And we see the gurus online who are doing all the work, and we start to compare and despair. That's our judge. Or the one that says, who are you to think you can help someone? Or who are you to think it can start a podcast?

Julie or who are you? You don't have it all together, you're a mess. That's our judge. Now, depending on who you are, there are other cast characters. Who are these other Saboteurs that can also create a lot of the nonsense and behaviors and things that will keep us from being successful.

[00:12:48]

There's an avoider Saboteur, the controller, the hyper achiever, the hyper rational, the hyper vigilant, the Pleaser, which many of my clients have a pleaser Saboteur, the Stickler, the Restless, and all these saboteurs end up creating the behavior that directly keeps us from having the success that we want in our lives. So learning how to one, be aware of the Saboteurs, who they are and how they're sabotaging you is one of the ways in which we can overcome them and really begin to tap into our sage, tap into the things that help us being empathetic, being able to find the gifts in the circumstances of life. So these are the things that I teach my clients. We identify their saboteurs because anybody can teach you. Use this.

[00:13:45]

This is a business plan. These are the things that you need to have in place. But even if you have a website in place, even if you know you need to do this, that and that, if your mind is sabotaging you, you're not going to be able to get very far and you're not going to be able to get the consistent action to grow your business. So I don't think I'm alone. I think a lot of our audience is, as you were naming the list of Saboteurs, I was like, yes, there's more than one.

There's more than one in there. And I guess the bottom line is there's a lot of work to do to get past those. But once we have wow, the possibilities are endless. Absolutely. And I will tell you that for me, finding the saboteurs, and this is something that I've done in the last year, I've been going through the Positive Intelligence Program and I'm going through my certification in that because I have other coaching certifications.

[00:14:35]

But again, I did this for my own personal growth. I've been dealing, as most of us really through navigating the remnants of what the pandemic did for all of us mentally, emotionally. So I wanted to be able to grasp at what are these things that continue to trip me up. For me, I will tell you that my top Saboteurs, in addition to the judge number one is the hyper achiever. And the hyper achiever, for as much as it sounds like, why would that be a saboteur?

Well, they're always constantly depending on performing, achieving, and when you are not hitting the perfection mark, then you make yourself feel bad. Yes, there's some strengths to being a hyper achiever. I'm goal oriented. I'm efficient, I'm driven, I'm pragmatic. But all these things, again, are things that at the end can distract me.

[00:15:34]

I can be looking at productivity as opposed to really focusing on the process. At times the process may be broken, and that's why you're not productive. But I'm always looking for that piece, and I'm thinking that if I'm achieving, I'm going to have happiness. And I end up not being as self accepting as I could. So understanding that helps me.

When I am not moving in the direction that I want or I'm giving myself a hard time, I begin to look at, well, maybe this is a gift that we're not hitting that mark. Maybe I need to be empathetic for myself. I can't judge myself, and this is what I teach my clients as well. Oh my gosh.

[00:16:20]

I'm doing a lot of work around emotional literacy, especially with children and helping adults as well, because we didn't ever use that language growing up. But I'll tell you something I've learned from my niece. She's a co author of a children's book series we've written. It's self compassion. So if you're that high achiever like you're talking about, and we haven't met the publication date, oh my goodness, we found an error in the print proof. We have to go back at it again. It's being able to say, that's okay, that's okay, moving forward and not being so stringent. I guess an old terminology might have been

Type A personality. Is that part of it too? Absolutely.. The Type A personality can also be someone who is very hyper vigilant on everything. And these things, again, although they're strengths, like you are very aware of danger and you're loyal and reliable and hardworking. You end up really giving yourself burnout from always being on and not giving yourself grace. Because the reality is that, again, as an author, I worked so hard on my book, and I think that publishing is a very real hit to yourself, to your character, because all of a sudden someone can come in and say, you're not good enough. You're putting yourself out there, you're becoming very vulnerable.

[00:17:51]

And we want to put a product or content that someone will find meaning and really embrace. But when there's something wrong with it, it's very easy to take that personally. And I know that I did that well. And that's one of the biggest, the hugest blocks to people who want to be an author, who want to publish. It's the vulnerability.

[00:18:13]

What will people think? People will judge me. Exactly what you just said a minute ago, Julie, why does she think that she could write something like this? So your book is called Be Confident. Oh, so confident.

Confident. You all right. Share with us a little bit. Give us one of your let's talk about what your favorite piece in writing the book was. And that's hard because I'm sure you love it all, but if you could pull out one thing that would resonate.

Yeah. So I will tell you and this is right to support what we've been talking about, one of my favorite things about writing the book, and I always knew I was going to write a book, actually, this is not what is my first published book, but I wrote another book, and that's what I wanted to put out. And when I started to work with an editor or one of the publishing team, they said, no, this is not your first book. And I thought what? What do you mean?

[00:19:02]

So that was very tough. And then I started going through the process of writing this, and I knew that this was really what I wanted to share with others. I got to a point in which I got the first edit the comments from the editor, and I was frozen. Oh, no, I can't do this. And I really did not think at that point, and I kind of, like, put it away, did not go back to it.

And it wasn't until I was getting close to a deadline that my husband again, and he's my partner in life and business, and he said, let's work on that. And I'm like, no, I can't do it. And he basically pulled up a chair and he said, let's do it together. And if it wasn't for him, there were times in which, again, I would resend another draft, and the editor would say, you need to expand on this. And I'm like, what do you mean?

[00:19:58]

I'm running it very well. And this is as clear as it can get at my husband. Knowing me so well, he's like, not really. I know what you're trying to say, but this doesn't make sense. And then he gets an editing award because he really sad.

And it was a labor of love. He really was there to support me because I did a lot of the writing first. Early in the morning, I would get up super early in the morning, and I would do a lot of the writing. But toward the end, we would work on it together, and then I would go back and do more writing at the end of the day. And that's how it happened.

[00:20:34]

That's another key thing, is to find out what works for you and where you can write. It always came back to me about creating scenes, creating a scene where people who are reading can actually be there sitting with you. And that brings your book to an entirely different level. That's hard to do, to learn how to do that. It takes a lot of practice. So editors know what they're doing. Everybody. It does pay off to listen to them. Julie okay. You have so many different umbrellas, so many things that you're offering.

[00:21:01]

Let's just share with our audience some of the tidbits you have, some of the resources that you have available. Well, so a couple of different things. And as I mentioned, I am going through the positive intelligence certification, but I'm already coaching as a mental fitness coach. A lot of my clients and other corporate clients as well. But predominantly the mental fitness program in which I help you identify your saboteurs is really something that goes hand in hand with tiny habits.

[00:21:29]

I'm a tiny habits certified coach and I use both of these things to help you either build or grow a business. Again. My signature program is confident. You and depending on where you are in your business, you can start off with confident you build it. That's if you're starting out, you don't even know what comes 1st, 2nd, or third in launching a business.

And then there's confident you grow it. This is maybe you've been in business for a while yet. Maybe you are stuck in that seesaw or that feast or famine phase in which you're doing really well. One month and another month you're not getting anybody. So depending on where you are, we really identify what are the things, what are your saboteurs, what are the habits, the tiny habits.

[00:22:16]

And I teach you the tiny habits framework so that you can create the right structure for yourself, to create the action that actually helps you sustain and grow your business consistently. And then I give you all of the other different tools that a regular business coach would do. We talk about email marketing, productivity. We talk about how do you create a quarterly plan? Because this is the other thing that many people do, is they do not have a plan.

When I started my business, I sort of knew what I was doing. But it wasn't until I said to myself, wait a minute, I need to run my business like a business. When I was incorporated and I was part of the C suite, we created a strategic plan. We had a business plan, we had a marketing plan, we had a sales calendar. So when you are very clear and you are a teacher, you're a former teacher I was a former teacher too.

[00:23:08]

I know that you need to follow a lesson plan. So everything long, long-range plans. That's right. And I have a little scope and sequence for my business and for my clients. So I bring in the approach of that teacher mentality along with the business world and help individuals.

And again, this is very tailored and individualized to my clients. Whether you're working with me in a group or whether you're working with me on a one to one basis, it's really tailored to the individuals and where they are in their business. And that's my coaching program. I also have, of course, a radio show, but I have the podcast. But now the radio show.

[00:23:48]

And the radio show is an opportunity to really grow in community with confident you. I have some incredible resident experts that are part of the radio show in addition to the interviews of people like you. And this is how we met. I brought you one for the radio show and the podcast because I want to bring stories of really incredible people who are living in their purpose and really making an impact and creating the ripple effect to change the world. You're so kind.

[00:24:17]

Okay, I want to just a few things going back to what you all just said. And, you know, my memory sometimes doesn't kick in right away, but action plans. Thank you so much. Because I am done, and I know so many people are done with the philosophical. Let's say, for example, you help me identify my saboteurs.

And they said, oh, okay, see you later. I need those step-by-step actions. And then the other piece about having a plan. If we don't have a plan, we flounder and being able to hold ourselves accountable, right? I haven't met okay. I haven't met that. I got to flex my plan. I have to back things up. I got to move things over, or maybe I have to rebrand a few years in. That's all.

Okay. But without having a plan, you just kind of what do you do? Floating. You're just floating on the ocean going, wow, where am I going to find a boy? Somewhere?

[00:25:04]

I don't know. The plan for me is very key. Once a year, I host my CEO retreat. And again, this is probably airing a little bit after the CEO retreat takes place, but on a quarterly basis. I also help people who attended the retreat, and anybody who is interested come in and we go back and revisit the plan that you created for the year and the individual 90 day plans, because we break that into manageable chunks.

Many of us create and say, oh, I want to do this for the year, but you're not breaking it down into a 90 day plan, into a monthly plan weekly and daily. And for me, and I know for my clients as well, having that roadmap, because life happens. Lynn right. There's a lot of different things that end up hitting and coming up. And for instance, my mom is visiting, right?

[00:26:00]

And I love having my mom here. It's been a terrific thing. However, if life and it can sidetrack. Me, well, look where I am. I'm not in my studio.

I just sat it out temporarily because we have people home and visiting, and the studio becomes a guest room. So for me, on the days that I could be kind of off kilter, I can come and I know that every Monday is an administrative day for me. I know that Tuesdays is typically the days that I record. Wednesday is my days that I work with clients. Thursdays is a networking day.

[00:26:37]

And content creation, because our brain really that's the other thing that we don't realize. Our brain cannot go from one task to the other. You're either in a creative mode or a logical mode, and many people think, I'm going to work on this, and I'm going to go to that, then you're really distracted or unable to stay on task because your brain is having to switch from one to the other task. Whereas for me, if I'm doing the tasks that are very creative, like content creation, then that's great, and I can be very creative, and it flows. And on the days that I need to be very logical and look at my PNLs and say, okay, am I being profitable?

[00:27:18]

Is this working? How is it not working? What do I need to change that's on a separate day? And I'm working at my optimal, and those are the things that really help my clients. I have one in particular who unfortunately had her son pass away over the summer, and it was devastating for her.

But one of the things that she said to me when she actually came and we did an intensive day for her because she was having a big event for her business, and she decided to move forward with it. And she said, I would have never been able to know where to start had it not been for me having a plan that was sort of that roadmap. And it became a place where I could find comfort in the chaos of everything else that was going on. And that's what I'm hoping to continue to help others do. Well, it's a new year.

[00:28:13]

You're the second, I think, person in 2023. So we've talked about what's the word? The cognitive piece. We've talked about the planning piece, a little bit of creative. Let's go into the emotional, mental well being.

What would you suggest to us as we start out a new year? One of the biggest things that I do, and I actually just finished a blog post, and it's a second blog post on this topic, and it's so important to me. You're going to see it a lot at the end of the year, beginning of the year in which you can create your goals, you can create an intention. For many years before it was even in vogue, I always picked a word for the year. Since 1989, I started doing this, and yes, I can tell you how old I am.

[00:29:06]

We won't do it. Let's not go there. That's not a word. At the time, it was sort of a phrase, and I decided I don't like these resolutions. And I decided I would pick a phrase at that time that would make me.

Feel connected to how I wanted to show up for the rest of the year. And my phrase for 1989 is like, what the hell? I love it. Anytime that I had a choice to make, I'm like, what the hell is 1989? I'll do it.

[00:29:34]

And it really helped me step out of my comfort zone and try new things and make decisions when sometimes you become so paralyzed by life or you procrastinate doing the thing. But it really helped me, and I noticed that, unlike having a resolution that into February, you're done or forgotten, you start to beat yourself up again, right? Your judge starts to show up, oh, you couldn't do it, and you don't measure up, et cetera. I started to notice that that was a great way to propel me. And again, over the years, I typically will say, well, what do I want to accomplish?

[00:30:08]

Where do I want to be? What's important to me? What are the priorities right now in my life? And I look back at the year and what I did the year before, and then I come up with one word now, and that word is the one that helps me, and I will encourage the listeners. Lynn there are so many different choices of what we can do, but at the end of the day, what is your legacy going to be?

And when you want people to describe you or you want to be talked about, what are the attributes, the adjectives? And what were the things that you had to do to embody those things? That is always something that helps me connect to the person that I want to become. And again, I am not perfect, let me tell you. I can be here all day naming flaws.

[00:30:56]

But in the middle of beating myself up with my saboteurs or being in the middle of a behavior that maybe is not what I want right, I reconnect with that embodiment of who I want to become. For this past year, my word was connection. And I knew that I wanted to create deep, lasting relationships, connections with people that were aligned. And here you are.

[00:31:27]

Throughout my days, even if I was not looking at my plan right, I would go back and actually, that's my word up there in that little thing behind my desk. You can't see it because it's on the sidewall, but when I walk into my office every morning, that's the first word I see connection. So it reminds me that, am I connecting? Am I creating deep, meaningful connections throughout the day? So find the thing that you want for your life.

[00:31:54]

Find that word and use it throughout your life so that it can reconnect it to your purpose. It can reconnect it to the action that you need to get to your purpose. All right. There's a challenge for all of us.

I have five, six, seven words, but, I mean, I need to sit down. This probably takes for me, it's going to take about a week. Got to find that column time, that present time, that absolutely, you know, what. I'm looking and I would say almost narrow it down. I have three, and I'm not going to announce it yet because I don't want to announce it here.

[00:32:29]

And then all of a sudden, pick something else. I have three, and I'm thinking, okay, what do I want? What does that mean? And what will bring me joy? And at the end of the year, in December of 2023, why?

It would make me feel like, okay, I did it. Well, you definitely did the connection for 2022. I'll give you that for sure. All right, Julie, you have so much. So where can people find you on your website?

[00:32:59]

And I understand that you have a couple of freebies that people can look into right away, see if there's a connection, and then possibly reach out to you. Well, the first way that you can find me is goconfidentlycoaching.com, I'm Julie delicac Collins on all of the social media platforms, including TikTok, by the way. Yeah, but here I am. It's probably my favorite platform right now because it's very uncurated, I guess. Definitely.

[00:33:30

And connect with other people, and you. Are and you're doing some really unique you talked about creativity. I don't mean to jump in, but I do, because I'm following you on TikTok. I'm kind of grappling I haven't find that just be you and free and who cares what the camera looks like and everything? I'm not quite there yet, but I mean, I love watching a lot of it.

Some of it is ridiculous, but that's okay. Some of it is ridiculous when I see it, and I think, oh, that's not me. But that's what it's all about, right? And I think when I'm in TikTok and I have to tell you a quick story, my mom has been visiting, like I said, and she and my husband were on TikTok. My husband was showing her, and the first thing she says to me, she's like, you went on TikTok.

[00:34:11]

You didn't have any makeup on in your eyebrows. You could have at least cone your eyebrows. And I'm thinking, did you hear what I said? I was really sharing something like that was being a homo anyhow. But I think that that's what it is, that we we still have those Saboteurs who are telling us, hey, you need to have makeup on.

Why would you say that? Or who are you to think that you can be there? So that's the key. Speaking of Saboteurs, if you go to Goconfidentlycoaching.com, which is my website, but then do forward slash links, you can take the Saboteur quiz and you can see who your top saboteurs are and it will give you some tips. On how to really begin to not only be aware of them, but really be able to start to make them be quieter voices in your life.

[00:35:08]

And the other thing you can find in that quick links is you can find tiny habits. If you want to figure out how to incorporate tiny habits method to your life so that you can create big change to the habits you have, I teach you tiny habits method and it's free. All of these resources are free to anybody who goes there and of course how to create a plan, how to my top resources, you can find all of that in there. Tiny habits, everybody who's listening, tiny, tiny does not make it sound like, oh, I could do that, right? Maybe that's the first step.

[00:35:46]

Just go in and take a look at the tiny habits and then go from there. Because from my experience and all of the people who've been on taking Helmet, I think you are guest 112. I think now it comes down very often to baby steps and then celebrating and celebrating what all those baby steps add up to. By the way, Dr. Fogg who wrote the book Tiny Habits and is the founder of the behavioral lab at Stanford, he's been doing research, behavior research for a long time.

[00:36:16]

Your brain changes when it feels good. So when you actually accomplish something and you celebrate yourself, it's what actually helps you create the new behavior you want. When we beat ourselves up for not doing the thing right. And if your new Year's resolution is that you're going to go to the gym every day and then you don't do it because you're not working out for an hour or running 5 miles a day, you're going to beat yourself up and pretty soon your brain is like, no I'm out, I'm not doing that. Motivation is not what actually creates new behavior, it's something doable and then creating the automation in your brain and that's what the Tiny habits method will help you do.

[00:36:58]

And I am happy to walk you through the five day free challenge and you get coaching for five days on how to create your tiny habits and incorporating them into your life. And I am making it a habit shall we say, no, I'm going to resave this, okay? And I'm making sure in every single episode we make a connection to children's emotional health. And just imagine everyone, if we're in the best place that we can possibly be, how that just permeates, how that our children see it, our children feel it, our children, they model us, they follow us. So if we can do better for ourselves, we're doing better for the children around us in our lives.

[00:37:38]

Absolutely. And you know, my niece who is a little mini me at times, I have taught her little tiny habits and I have taught her a lot of identifying also some of this framework of the saboteurs. And she's learning violin, she's a high achiever as well. I don't know how this happened, but the other day she's practicing and she had a recital and wasn't able to she didn't perform as well. And I said, well, what was the one good thing about it?

[00:38:09]

Because it's really easy. And so if we learn this, then we can help to model that behavior for the children coming behind us. Wonderful way to close. I thank you so much for joining us. Julie and I wish you all the best.

[00:38:24]

And I know that we will stay connected, and I look forward to hearing what your word for 2023 is going to be. Yes, you will get my email with the big advancement. Oh, and there's another thing. Sign up for Julie's email list because her tidbits you get emails very often that are funnels that are just I actually just leave them. I unsubscribe right away.

[00:38:43]

But yours are very helpful, Julie, and they resonate. A lot of it is, oh, I have to think about that and then go back to it. So I thank you for that as well. Well, thank you for saying that. It means the world to me.

Again, my aim has been to connect for this year and will continue to be so for years to come. Congratulations. Well done. Thank you, Lynn. Okay.

[00:39:08]

And I can't wait to see you. Bye bye. That's okay. I've got to do my intro and outro, so I'll just keep running. Take care.

Bye. Okay. Bye. Bye.

[00:39:19]

Mindset. It just blows me away when we think about the possibility. Stay healthy and safe everyone.

Music Outro
Thanks for tuning in and posting your review of taking the helm on your favorite platform. We'll give you a shout out in a future episode. To be inspired by people who are steering us in the right direction, go to Lynn McLaughlin .com, where you can search previous guests by the topic of your choice. And while you're there, download Lynn's gift.

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TRANSCRIPT OF HELEN PANOS | HELPING PARENTS AND STUDENTS ADVOCATE FOR THEMSELVES

Listen Link

[00:00:00]
Hello, everyone, and welcome to the last episode of 2022. If your child is struggling in school, this is the episode to listen to. Our guest today is Helen panel.

[00:00:14]

Muic Intro Are you facing a crisis in your life or business? It's time to steer yourself in the right direction through the real experiences, passion and courage of our guests. We're taking the helm with your host, Lynn McLaughlin .

Helen Panos is a lifelong educator, but she left teaching to open her own business called the Dynamis Learning Academy. She's offering tutoring services, is branching out into supporting students with mental health, helping students to learn to advocate for themselves and parents to understand the school system, what school systems offer and don't offer, where the gaps are, and advocating whether or not their children have special needs. All right, Helen, you are our last guest of 2022.

[00:00:58]
And what do we close out the year talking about students, students, progress, parent advocacy. Thank you so much for being with us. Thank you for having me. I'm excited to inform your guests about advocacy and helping their families be successful. Yeah.

[00:01:16]
So just to give everyone a context, Helen is in the United States, I'm in Canada. We're going to do our best to mesh the two languages and worlds together. But the bottom line is, it doesn't matter where you are in the world. Your children are in school, they're struggling, you're trying to find a better way for them. We're here to talk to you today.

[00:01:33]
That's right. That's correct. All right, Helen, tell us a little bit about your background and why you're doing this today. Where did it all start? I'm an educator of 25 plus years of a public school system in Atlanta, Georgia, in the US.

[00:01:46]
And that's one of the biggest school systems I was in is Fulton County. And so I was a teacher for many years and most of that time also gifted leave. So then I decided it was time to start my own business. While I was teaching, I just had the idea that I didn't feel even back then, this was probably about ten years ago, I was already getting the thought that I didn't feel school systems could really truly meet the needs of children. And I wanted to be able to do that.

[00:02:15]
I have a passion about that, and it's not necessarily their fault. It has a lot to do with funding, resources, all kinds of things, and personnel being appropriately trained, to be honest. And there's not enough hours of the day. But I decided to start Dynamic Learning Academy. It's a K through twelve tutoring and now student advocacy program.

[00:02:38]
And we do SATs all over the nation. We also do tutoring nationwide, virtually. Here in Atlanta, we do it virtually, and we're in person because my tutors, I have 15 tutors right now, and that's growing rapidly. So we help kids, we match. I listen to what the parent needs.

[00:02:56]
I match them up with the right type of tutor. I have that experience and knowledge from being also a 504 chair that I got promoted to. Right. As we were going into COVID. I had done it for three years, so I've heard a lot of stories and sat in a lot of meetings, almost to the point I don't want to say I will diagnose your child, but I can get pretty close to suggesting what you need to do.

[00:03:19]
And so I felt like I needed to start my own company, and then now it's branching and rebranding into advocacy, which we're going to talk about today. All right, so those of us in Ontario, Canada, the UK, who are listening, which is a lot of my audience, do not understand what 504 means. That's a good point. You might have a different program. Right?

[00:03:40]
So in America, the Section 504 plan is under the Americans with Disabilities Act. If you have a medical diagnosis of some kind, whether I think the original might have been like, diabetes is why it started in the first place, was that kids might need to leave the classroom and go get their insulin shot or something down in the nurse's office. Right? So it started with that, then it's turned into the biggest one being ADHD. So you have a medical diagnosis of something.

[00:04:06]
Anxiety is very large here in the US. Probably nationwide now, also dyslexia. So if you have a diagnosis from a doctor, a professional, then you get what's called a Section 504, and it's got accommodations to it. You meet yearly, and then you get a reevaluation every three years in this plan. So you can get accommodations, like extended time, frequent breaks for, like, Sat and act here in the US that we give as a big exam going into colleges.

[00:04:38]
So there's a lot of great things related to a 504 plan. And other countries may have something similar. It's very similar. The terminology is different, but we have AODA accessibility for Ontarioins with Disabilities Act.

[00:04:54]
We have Regulation 181, the Education Act in Ontario, where special education is ingrained in there, and the rights for students to attain accommodations, modifications, or alternative programming when they're identified. And of course, that leads us to an Individual Education Plan. And the work that you're doing now to help parents, I think, understand what that all means, what their rights are. Some people don't like me using the words rights. You have a right under the law for these types of accommodations and plans under your child's IEP.

[00:05:24]
And I love what you're doing to help people understand that and how to navigate the system. So what are some of the things, Helen, that a parent would get from you if they said, oh my gosh, my child has an IEP, and they're not getting any of the accommodations they're supposed to be getting? So I want to add two to that. As I was a gifted lead before I go into that. And I don't know about other countries, but here in the US.

[00:05:47]
You can have dual classification. So don't assume. I want parents to realize that even if you have a gifted child, I was a gifted lead for almost ten years. If you have a gifted child, what I was seeing was they can be special ed and gifted. That's called dual classification in the US.

[00:06:03]
So you shouldn't assume that you're gifted child. And I see this in my tutoring business. We've got kids that are 4.0 and they're having issues, okay? So they need a 504 plan. But to answer your question, I listen to what parent needs, and with my experience, I can pretty much either feel like we can help you ourselves in Dynamos Learning Academy, and that might be through starting with some tutoring so we can get an idea of your child to see what they can do or not do.

[00:06:34]
Then we can see, could it possibly be a disability? Could it be something medical? Then we might direct you another way to a doctor to say, go get a psychological done, or we can help you up to this point. But school systems are not going to tell you this, okay, because they don't have the funding. There's a lot to that as to why they don't.

[00:06:59]
They're afraid of lawsuits, let's say. So I also have people that I can direct that they think they need an IEP. They do not have one, or they feel like they're not being treated correctly, and they already have an IEP. I just referred a family that has a four-year-old with an IEP, and she's definitely helping them. The young lady that I've referred her to, and she's a special ed background teacher that came out of the school system.

[00:07:26]
So I feel like parents do not know where to turn because they think, yes, you should go to your school first and see what you can get from it, because there are certain schools that understand and will help, and then there's a bunch that won't for a lot of reasons. So there's other people out there that you can reach out to and get help, so you can have a conversation with them and discuss what is going on with your child. Yeah, so I have to put my superintendent hat on. Retired four years ago with the superintendent hat. And the school systems are very different.

[00:07:56]
We operate on the principle of inclusion in Ontario, right. Which has its pros and its cons, absolutely no question about it. And every school does have some supports within it. But I have to say it's the exact same thing. There's an educator or a leader in this province that won't tell you that we're short on staffing, we're short on funding. There's a waitlist for services. If your child needs counseling, for example, we'll do a referral to the community. There might be something short stop in the middle for emergency situations. But it's very much the same here. There's just not enough for what the needs are.

[00:08:29]
The needs have increased substantially, and you can change the way things are done. And I think that's what we need to be looking at. It can't be the same old, same old. The kids growing up have a different set of circumstances and challenges. Now we've got to change the way we're thinking.

[00:08:42]
And changing a school system is a long haul process. We put a reading intervention program in my school board, and it took four years to do it. It's slow-moving. Wow. And then you're behind the times.

[00:08:57]
But anyway so yes, absolutely, Helen, what you're doing is offering supports and services for parents who need something in addition outside the school. And that's a fact. It's a reality. It's out there, and it's out there across the world in different ways. So you and I talked also not only about tutoring, and I love the fact that you've got educator eyes, helping parents see from an educator's perspective what the gaps might be, because it's not just a diagnosis, it's what's the expectations and what's the gap?

[00:09:25]
And then why do we think there's a gap? I love that idea, but you've now branched out, as we all have to, into mental health. You and I were speaking about this last week. Let's talk about that umbrella. Yeah, I was just speaking to someone I refer a lot of business to that's a psychologist who saw her at tea this weekend, and she is busy until May.

[00:09:46]
So I want parents to realize there is a shortage, like you said, a psychologist. And also they're booked out for months here in the United States. And I'm sure that's everywhere then what do you do while you're waiting for five months as a parent? You're like, struggling. What do you do?

[00:10:06]
So that's why you need to reach out to these other resources and talk to different people and see what can at least be done. I don't want to say put a band Aid on it, but until if we think something is really serious going on, let's say, or there is something more that could be done, until you can be seen by a psychologist and psychiatrist and really have that thing, of course, a lot of school systems do it too. You can go inside the school system, but they're just as busy if not busy. And we're not talking about crises. And that's a different where you're taking someone into an emergency room or a crisis drop in center right when kids are really struggling.

[00:10:44]
That's a fact. And we as parents, this is all new. I wrote a book about my daughter who had debilitating anxiety for a couple of years as an adult. It's all new to us. So, I mean, there are hell and podcasts organizations like yourself. There's lots of places where you can go to get information, to inform yourself and then be able to understand it. I think if we understand the struggles that our children are going from whatever perspective, we can do that because like I said, even just social media puts pressures on them that we never had growing up. I think that's a great first step. Yeah. And even one of my tutors right now, he said to me he's going to stop teaching if he can get into this full time mental health program at Georgia State University here in downtown Atlanta.

[00:11:26]
So I'm probably going to be able to use him. He's already tutors for me and he'll be a great resource that will be down the road. But that's the kind of thing that I think businesses will have to shift to and be with the times. I hate using the word pivot because people get tired of their ears.

[00:11:47]
But really you pretty much do have to change over and kind of try to. I like to say we're like a one stop shop. People come to us at first for tutoring, right. But I have a group of people I can collaborate with that have all these variety of specialties underneath them. So I just did that this weekend.

[00:12:07]
My tutor couldn't work with this child who a teacher gave a big project to. It came from geometry into trig for a unit. She just threw it in here at the end of the year, at the end of the semester. So I had to call in another tutor who met with him for 3 hours on Saturday to get that done. And then he's got a final on Tuesday. So then he met with him again yesterday to prep for that final. But that was like my tutor was honest that I don't think I can do this. I don't even understand what this project is asking for. On top of the fact teachers are burned out across the nation, across the world. So yes, go to your teacher first.

[00:12:47]
I always say that as an educator and see them inside of the building, the principal, the assistant principal, the counselor, see what they'll do for you. If not, you can reach out to us. And I like to hook up my tutors with the permission of the parent to get with the teacher on email because they talk differently to educators. I'll just be honest about that. I'm sure you know that one.

[00:13:11]
So they know we understand the inside world, I like to call it, which is the school system. And parents are just out here trying to figure it out and just going crazy trying to figure out and all they got to do is call me and I'll say, connect me to that teacher. And then when I start talking, they realize they know what I'm talking about. Now they sit up straighter, let's say, and they're going to offer more support to the parent because everybody cannot afford all these outside services. Of course not.

[00:13:45]
I hope that's not happening. I certainly hope that administrators are treating parents as respectfully. We have our different experiences. But you've lived there too. It's happening. Burned out, right? They're burned out too. A lot of them are getting ready to retire. A lot have actually here in Ontario, I can tell you that. But I want to take it to another segue where we're helping our kids advocate for themselves as opposed to us having that responsibility.

[00:14:12]
And I've read a lot of research that's saying as young as twelve years old, we can start to talk to our children, and professionals can talk to their children about what their strengths are, what their needs are, and what tools they need to work around those needs. And if they have an Individual Education Plan to say, you're not giving me not this way, in a very respectful way, I have accommodations in my Individual Education Plan, can we talk about that? And I know twelve years old seems awfully early, but just imagine the future. If these kids are growing up saying, yeah, this is what I need to learn, and I'm going to make sure I get it. I love it.

[00:14:43]
I think it's brilliant. Everybody here in the US. Is pretty much from middle school, 6th grade on, at least, if not a little earlier, fifth grade, probably because they transitioned into a middle school, they kind of start pushing the independence, right? And having parents kind of back off a little bit. But what I'm seeing right now is you got to be careful about that.

[00:15:07]
I'm doing my own podcast, which is Smart Parents, Successful Students podcast. You can follow us on Anchor Spotify and some other places. But I just interview one of my tutors, and she's a high school teacher for many years, and she said sometimes it's too much to the extreme. So parents really need to look at their child, even if it's a 4.0 student, if they're having medical issues, like what I'm seeing right now, that child needs to slow down the independence. She's got other medical issues.

[00:15:38]
So putting the stress on herself is really causing a problem with pain and other things and concentration. So it really depends on I definitely agree with independence, but every parent needs to identify every child in their home, and they could be different in how you deal with them. So this child may be very independent and you can let them kind of go and they'll be fine, but then. It'S a different umbrella, it's a different set of circumstances. A child who's nonverbal with autism, for example, you're going to be advocating them.

[00:16:11]
That's an extreme example, but it is an example for sure, as individuals. But I think if we can all understand what our strengths are and what we need I'm not a math wizard, I'm not a math wizard, but I found some ways around it now that can get me to where I can be a long way, but I get there. Right? Yeah, definitely. We need to definitely promote.

[00:16:32]
I think families need to sit down, maybe have weekly meetings on a Sunday or whenever, pick the best time for you all and sit down and really find out what your child's strengths are. You may think you know, but I think sitting down, pausing the outside world around you and really getting to know your child in terms of what's going on, what do you have coming up this week? What can you do? Speaking of strengths, what can you do yourself and what do you think you need help with? I think it's brilliant checking, because you and I talked about this before.

[00:17:07]
We're on this go, go, go constantly. And especially if you have children in different schools or whatever, two children, three children, five children, regardless, they all come with needs. Right. And you want to be there for them whenever you can. But to have that one to one time, once a week that I'm sure they learn to look forward to. Even if they're 15, if this is. Something that you've taught them and you cherish this time with them, and it's not only about the academics either, then, Helen, what you start to do is put your eyes on when they're starting to struggle with their mental health. And I want to throw out the name Jackie Simmons. You and I talked about this. Jackie has done a TEDx Talk about talking to our kids, our teenagers, just like we would talk to them about drugs, alcohol, pregnancy, about suicide.

[00:17:47]
And she has four specific questions we should be asking them on a regular basis, and then we're going to know when our kids are struggling. So your suggestion to meet weekly has a whole larger umbrella about total to me overall well being, and I love it. I wish I'd have thought about that when my kids were younger here. We all sit in meetings all the time, right? Yeah.

[00:18:10]
Having a meeting in our own family, it's kind of strange, but my corporate families, where these guys are the fathers are executives or whatever, and they're doing that in their home, and I find that I'm listening and I'm looking at, those are the kids that seem to be communicating more. They seem to know what these children need. If they have to reach out to the tutoring company, they reach out to us. They may have a package already, so they just use it immediately as they need it. And we have a tutor available, but it's interesting to watch.

[00:18:48]
Here we all are in meetings all the time, and we don't think about, quote, having a meeting with our own children. He's sitting around the dinner table. In my family, when we're here, we all still sit around the table, but that's still not a place to have that one to one conversation. There's sibling rivalries and there's ins and outs and all those kinds of things. Okay, I want to jump over to something, Helen, you just shared with me me this morning, a report that came out.

[00:19:11]
I believe it was published in an Atlanta newspaper. And I know globally we're all struggling with this as parents. Is this a gap that was created because my child was in virtual schooling for a year, or is there something more that I need to address in terms of a possible special need? What is this report recommending? Well, they definitely are kind of confused in the school systems themselves about that because they're not sure they're very careful about who they put in special ed.

[00:19:43]
Right. Because once you get that I don't hate to call it a label, but once you get into that program, then you don't want your child in there if that's not really where they need to be. Right. So I think they're very careful in trying to determine that the pandemic cause what is being seen in your child right now, or is it something else going on? Or was this something that they had before the pandemic and then the pandemic might accelerate?

[00:20:11]
It's kind of hard. There's a gray area. They talk about that in this article, and it's in the Atlanta Journal Constitution. People can find it. If you want to, I can attach the link.

I'll attach the link to the chat. It's about, do all struggling kids need special education? And the answer to that is no. But do they need something like you're offering like a tutoring service, something to bridge that gap? Especially in my mind.

[00:20:34]
I know you work with children of all ages, but what I see in the biggest gap, gap academically is those kids who are in kindergarten, grade one and two and learning how to read, learning how to write, learning the basic math skills. And I'll speak from a teacher's perspective, doing one to one intervention or one to one instruction online. It's not doable you're going to get to a certain point. So, I mean, let's not place blame on anybody or anything. It's a fact that gap exists. So if we can find a way to fill that gap, then your child can be off and running again. But if you can't find a way to fill that gap and I'm making it very simplistic, and I'm sorry that I am, well, then there's something else that has to happen here. And maybe it's mental hospital off. Maybe it's growing anxiousness. Maybe it's those other things that are getting in the way of them, actually.

[00:21:23]
Is one big thing and confidence building. So those things all seem to be lacking, and one on one will work virtually. If there's some kids, obviously, that can't do one on one kids that might be ADHD and not medicated, if they're very high level ADHD, some good number of special ed kids may not be able to do it. We do a lot of actually 50% of my business is now virtual because high schoolers can do it and they're kind of used to that. It's because it's one on one and we can customize it to meet your child's needs and we connect with the teacher and we get more information now exactly.

[00:22:03]
Now it can kind of be done. The context I was speaking of, just to be here was a school teacher with a class of 35 students able to do one to one. Not the context, one to 30 totally different beaver. They were turning off their cameras. We didn't know what they were doing.

[00:22:20]
They weren't showing up for class. The things that the media wasn't really reporting. But I know that because I was in the school system at the time and I know that's what was happening. But there is this big gray area that they're trying to figure out, which is I mean, and parents can't wait. You can't wait around for your going, well, is it special ed?

[00:22:41]
Is it 504? What is it? So it's best to definitely reach out and get some assistance, at least at a minimum, speak to people, get on these webinars like what I'm going to have here in first quarter of 2023, where I'll just jump right in. And in January we're doing a study skills course because we find out there's three skills that we're seeing lacking. And we're going to do it for 6th to 12th graders. And anybody can join in from anywhere, the UK. Canada anywhere us. But we're going to talk about study skills. And we're inviting the kids to come on with their parents. So my assistant will be on there and or a tutor, and we will be able to do a breakout room and talk to the kids for a few minutes as well and giving them some strategies.

[00:23:27]
Because a big problem we're seeing is I don't think they realize they have to study or what that means. It's kind of interesting. And then the second one in February is going to be I know the first one is January 26 at 730 Eastern Time. That's us time. And then there'll be a replay.

[00:23:45]
So at least register it's free. You can get the replay later if you're somewhere else and you can't watch it because of your time zone. But in February we're also going to do a time management one because that's a whole other issue about habits. And then in March, we're going to do test taking strategies because here in Georgia, they have Georgia milestones that they take. So there's a lot of kids that are taking Sat Act in June and so that will be very helpful for them as well.

[00:24:12]
So that's what we're doing around three series of what I call skills webinars. I love that you've identified. And I teach in post secondary, and I'll go back a year ago when we had students coming into college and they'd been virtual learning for two years, they hadn't experienced exams. And here they were, first year college in a larger class in a different setting, wearing a mask, not able to really communicate, move from their desks, all of these kinds of things happening and then exams. It's a huge transition for them.

[00:24:40]
And I think that empathy part, that giving them self compassion and caring and understanding, but at the same time saying, all right, we're moving on. And these are the things that you now need, and teaching them to look for them themselves too. I think that's fantastic. Yeah. So there's going to be a bitly link and it'll be in the podcast notes and you can just register to come on free and join us for that.

[00:25:04]
Excellent. And those skills apply to anybody anywhere in the world. That's right. And in the workplace, these are skills you need to have in life. Absolutely.

You're right. The parents joining in can learn as well. Right. I mean, we went through our own challenges in the last few years with COVID and these things were happening prior to COVID but the gaps are now so much more larger because more services are needed that are not. And while we could get into staffing shortages, let's not get into that, because that's another reality.

[00:25:32]
Supply teachers that aren't being covered because there isn't someone to educational assistance, and they're pulling people off the street because there's not enough people to do the job. So when the needs become so extreme that we can't fill them, that's a whole other kettle of fish to address. And that's a system. Yeah, right. Especially today, the middle and high schoolers especially.

[00:25:54]
Even though the elementary, too. The kids are very involved here in the US with sports. I'm sure it's like this everywhere, church things. They're involved in dance troops and dance groups, and then those have big conferences and they have to practice more often to be a part of a competition. There's just so much going on that I don't think children are mature enough in their mind.

[00:26:19]
Of course, to everybody cannot manage that time and don't know how to balance it, and they don't know how to make it happen. Or it may come down to, I just need to give up this one thing and this just frees up a bunch of my time. Setting your priorities. What's most important to you? What brings you Passion? Yeah, for sure.

Helen, where can people reach out? What's your website? My website is Dynamis.

[00:26:44]
https://www.dynamislearningacademy.com. And my podcast are all on there, the shows right now, we're just replaying some very popular ones, so you can catch all my seasons in the back. We're recording number seven right now and actually, Lynn will be on season seven, so you'll have to catch her episode. Thank you. And that hits every Thursday morning. On my website starting in January. Season seven will, but all seasons one through six are on there. Plus I have blogs that are awesome and a lot of information in there. And we run those every Tuesday at night on my Facebook page, my Instagram, my LinkedIn. We're doing Facebook Live, so just follow us on Dynamos Learning Academy.

[00:27:31]
On Facebook. And my assistant does Tuesday tips. We'll pick those back up in January. Took a break here in December and I usually come on on Thursday sometimes. And I'll do interviews with people like Lynn or anybody else out of my podcast group.

[00:27:48]
I'll put them back on again so we could talk a little longer and again about other things. So, yeah, reach out and you can join my newsletter on my website as well. There's also a smart goal planner. I wanted to mention that that's a free gift on my website that you can get. You could just sign up to get that and it's awesome.

[00:28:06]
I would suggest everybody start off the new year in 2023, 1st semester with this goal planner. Smart goal planner. So we can find you everywhere and anywhere it looks like. Helen. Yeah, we pop up everywhere and we'll be talking more about the advocacy piece come January as well.

[00:28:23]
All right, well, it is the end of December, and I guess we'll end this by wishing everyone a very happy transition into 2023 and celebrate what we've accomplished in the past year and moving on to even greater things. Yes, I can't wait for 2023 and making new plans for it as well and helping more families. Looking forward to it. Awesome. I am as well.

[00:28:47]
Thank you so much. Take care. Thank you for having me. Take care. Bye bye.

[00:28:51]
Now, carrying on with the parenting connection, and we are talking an awful lot about children's mental health, and so we should as well as our own, amy Stone is going to be our first guest of 2023. If you're in a blended family, you're a stepparent, or you're about to make a huge decision in your life about whether or not this is going to be your future, tune in for our first guest of 2023, Amy Stone. She's been through it and she's helping families and individuals just like you. Stay healthy and safe. Everyone will see you in 2023.

[00:29:48]

Thanks for tuning in and posting your review of taking the helm on your favorite platform. We'll give you a shout-out in a future episode to be inspired by people who are steering us in the right direction. We'll give you a shout-out in a future episode to be inspired by people who are steering us in the right direction. Go to lynmclaucklin.com, where you can search previous guests by the topic of your choice. And while you're there, download Lynn's gift. There's more than one way to get through a crisis.

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TRANSCRIPT OF NATASHA FEGHALI | WHEN DOORS SLAM SHUT, NEW OPPORTUNITIES OPEN UP

Listen Link

[00:00:00]
Again as we take the helm. If you are interested in exploring other options in your life, if you're one of these people that is a two or three year person and you gotta have a change, or you are interested in philanthropy, opening your own business, and coming to the realization that when doors close for you, new ones will open. If you have the right mindset, listen up. Our guest today is Natasha FeFeghali.

Music Intro Are you facing a crisis in your life or business? It's time to steer yourself in the right direction through the real experiences, passion and courage of our guests. We're taking the helm with your host, Lynn McLaughlin .

[00:00:46]
Now, let's do a little introduction before I bring Natasha on. Natasha FeFeghali is an award-winning Canadian awarded for her philanthropy and community and dedication to education. She is a recipient of the 40 under 40 United Way Leadership Windsor Essex Award the Sovereign Canadian Medal, the Odyssey Award from the University of Windsor. She owns her own business and is currently also teaching internationally. Welcome, Natasha, all the way from the other side of the world. [00:01:22]

I always remember seeing you at work, actually. Very often. No, maybe like not so often, but often enough. And I am also from southern Ontario. But now I live in Kuwait.

[00:01:40]
Let's make that connection then. Okay, so you're working with a public school board as I was as well. But now you've accepted an international teaching contract overseas. First of all, how's does that happen? There's a lot of new graduates out there or people who are saying, I want to try something else in my life.

[00:01:57]
How did that happen anyway that you are now over in Kuwait? And then I have to ask the second question of the same thing and why Kuwait when there are many other countries to choose from internationally? So it happened because in around 2014, 2015, I had kind of a life event happen. And so I wanted a change. I was also kind of wanting just a life change.

[00:02:28]
And I saw a show on TV about these people living in Kuwait and they had this very luxurious, glamorous life and they had a boat. It's so simple, they had a boat. And I was like, I'm going to go live there, I want to do that too. And as that happened, then my life event happened. Then my sister had a friend working here at the school where I start.

[00:02:54]
I got a job, I just applied and they were looking ironically, for a French teacher. But then when I got here, that kind of changed. I became like team lead for Junior. The whole thing massaged itself. However, I loved it.

[00:03:13]
And so I came back and there are so many reasons that I love it. And I think one of the biggest ones is that I kind of felt at home here, and I felt like I wasn't deviating too much from my regular life that I have in Canada. It's a really seamless transition. And the first time I came, I just connected with the principal or sorry, the superintendent of the family of schools, and they gave me a job. And then this time, actually, another life event happened.

[00:03:52]
And you'll never believe this. Lynn a headhunter found me and knew that I was already working in the family of Intervention instructional coaching itinerant, and found me and offered me a position. And it all kind of happened. Like it's as if it manifested itself. And that's how I got back here.

[00:04:18]
And it's as if everything kind of worked itself together so that I could come back, because it was always kind of in the back of my mind that I'd like to do it again and again and again and again. And then I don't know, it just all worked itself out and massaged itself. And I was on the path, and I got a leave of absence for the second time. I'm so grateful and blessed. I need to say that.

[00:04:49]
And I always say that. I'm so grateful and I was able to come back and work again. And I work in the same position, which I love. I love doing this. And it just worked out.

[00:05:03]
And I think it is easy for people to go abroad if you're open, you're open-minded, you're easygoing, and you're ready to be uncomfortable because there are things that are different. Well, I'll just jump in and share. My daughter is teaching English through English First, which is an approved agency through Canada. Actually, she's more of a teaching assistant, and she's in Indonesia. And, yes, it's a really, really different way of looking at things and living, and she's adjusting and she's doing okay, but being open-minded to that.

[00:05:37]
I love what you said, Natasha. If you're open-minded to those experiences and, you know, I said to her before she left, what's the worst-case scenario? You pack up and you leave. And yes, you have to end your contract. But you describe Kuwait as being similar to Chicago, which is very surprising to me.

[00:05:53]
Yeah, I would say that the Gulf countries, for the most part, so, like, you know, the Emirates and Qatar, Kuwait, Bahrain, Oman, they are very, very modern, opulent countries. And everything is functioning a lot like it would in any Western nation, if not better. And, yeah, living here is a lot like living in Chicago. We have really big, beautiful malls. We have main strips, we have a lot of shopping, we have a lot of beautiful restaurants.

[00:06:36]
It's really calm. There are some desert areas where I would say, like, some nomadic people might live, but you can't even really call them nomadic in 2020. They just have different attitudes and behaviors and say, we would have culturally however, very friendly. And we have all the same kinds of brands and restaurants. There's obviously like local business too, but everybody's really Westernized, I guess I could say, and everyone speaks English.

[00:07:17]
Not that that's a prerequisite. However, it makes it a lot easier and it's a very international community, all kind of a lot like Chicago. And it's got a great nightlife and it just has all the amenities that you would need in a big city, I guess you could say. But it's also kind of a small city because Chicago, although being really big, it's kind of really homey too, like different communities. OK, so when we had our pre discussion, Natasha, the way you described and we got to get into your property management piece as well, because I'm blown away that not only are you working full-time internationally in an educational setting, you also run a property management company here in southern Ontario, in Windsor, Ontario.

[00:08:06]
But you describe it as when doors have closed. You've seen it as actually new opportunities have opened for you in your life. Yeah, every door that's closed led to a new opportunity, I would say. I have to be fair, I was kind of born into properties. My grandparents did it, my dad did it.

[00:08:33]
I was kind of ruined into it. I would say that I started basically when my dad was like, my grandparents have passed on and all those properties got sold. And my dad was kind of at the tail end. And I had a life event. And I met a mentor at that time because I was doing makeup for free with the Windsor community for film.

[00:09:04]
They were looking for makeup artists just to come in. And makeup is kind of like I love makeup and hair as a side passion, you know, something I like to do. And I met somebody who was also in real estate. And he was like he made an assumption based maybe on my look. And he was like, you know, you're kind of going to be not maybe on the income that you want in your life.

[00:09:29]
And you look like you like to enjoy the finer things in life. So you might want to get a second income. That is easy enough to do because you really love your work as well. So you don't want to be so over-exhausted. And let me show you what I do.

[00:09:50]
And he managed to get to a point where he doesn't even work anymore. He just does film, his passion. And then he has so much property that he's just a full-time investor but does his passion as well. So he kind of showed me a little bit and then I would talk to my parents about it. And I bought my first property with my brother.

[00:10:18]
And I also had something happen where someone closed doors on me. I didn't do it. They closed doors on me. And I was like, I was so devastated. I felt like, you know, oh, my gosh, because I was on one trajectory, and then that person closed doors on me.

[00:10:38]
Obviously, they had a reason, but that wasn't a good reason. And then I decided I'll give it a shot. And within a month, I bought my first property. And then I've just continued to grow from there. And now you grow, you change.

[00:10:56]
So now I'm doing some other things, which is like, working with other investors, and then we sort of come together as a team, and we invest, but not exactly in brick and mortar. We invest in housing, but not in brick-and-mortar. And so in saying that, I've kind of been able to offload the arduous part of it on to, I guess you could say, my team, because I see them more as like family than my team because they do everything to help me and work together well. Because otherwise, it could become a 24 7th thing with your phone always in your hand, always putting out fires. I don't know how anybody could manage something like that.

[00:11:43]
And still we always talk about Natasha and still manage our own well-being with some level of balance. And we all have a different description of what balance means to us, but as long as we can get to what we believe is balance in our lives, that's the goal, isn't it? You know, Lynn, I've had to put up something that I'm very uncomfortable with, which is boundaries. I never really did that before. And I've had to explain to people in my life who I love that, and I do always have my phone.

[00:12:14]
I'm not going to lie. I always have my phone. And I've had to explain to them that we're all different and I have a different lifestyle, and it's not a bad one. I'm not doing anything to hurt or harm myself or others, and just please be accepting of this. And you know, as well, like, there are like, my family gets some benefits from this, you know, like, my nieces and nephews get some benefits, my mom gets some benefits.

[00:12:47]
So please just be patient with me. And I've had to just explain that I can't attend this right now because I have to take care of this. But I guess a gift that I was born with was I'm really organized. I'm very organized, which can be a. Wonderful thing or can be a detriment as well, when we only get back on those kinds of things.

[00:13:17]
I think being organized, but also being open and flexible. And any teacher, anybody who's in the role of education is definitely someone who's flexible, then you can shift, right? You can shift, but you've got that plan to always fall back on. I'm not wait too. Absolutely.

[00:13:32]
Yeah. And I see it a lot like teaching because it's kind of like, as we were sharing earlier, I have a lot of spreadsheets and I have a lot of different digital portfolios that I look at, and everything is digitized, and it's organized and everybody's color-coded, and everybody's got a number, and it's a lot like teaching. All you got to do what I realized very early on is you set up that these are the rules and regulations. These are the provincial rules and regulations, the municipal rules and regulations. So this is what we're going to do.

[00:14:18]
And if you're uncomfortable with that, well, then maybe this isn't a good fit. It's just like a classroom. These are my norms. I always kept a tidy, organized classroom. If you're not okay with that, well, unfortunately, you might have to sit out this activity until you're ready to join and participate.

[00:14:39]
And when I come to your room at your house, your parent's house, and you like, it messy, well, I'll just leave my plate and my shoes and my stuff everywhere. I've done party things. So it's like, people got to meet you where you're at. And obviously, kids are so beautiful. They are so flexible.

[00:14:58]
They start to become cleaner than you. I don't know.

And the tenants, well, they are also loving it, too, because they don't live in a pixel. Oh, boy. Okay, well, let's talk about something, another thing that we have in common, because we have so much in common, and that's early intervention, helping kids identify where they're having challenges early and getting in there so that we can change that trajectory to a positive one. So you also are working with ESL. I'm just going to throw it out.

[00:15:33]
I'm not the person who's at the board or anything, but having you come back to the board after your sabbatical, Natasha, you come with all these additional skills and levels of expertise, courses that you've taken internationally. My goodness, you scoop you up in a second. You should think about going into administration. I'll just put that plug in. Oh, my gosh.

[00:15:52]
Everybody tells me that a former colleague of ours would put the principal application on my desk every day. And I was like, oh, no, I. Tell you a story. I was in a different county, and my husband and I wanted to move back here. Both our families are very much in this area.

[00:16:09]
We wanted to move back here. I was pregnant with my third child, and I came down for a vice principal interview with the public school board in the area that we're at. And I wore a bright red dress, and that was in 1997, when, you know, you think that might not work in your favor. Yeah, awesome. I got a job offer for September.

[00:16:28]
I had to decline it because I had a baby on September 17, but we came down several months later and yeah. So you're moving from different boards. Moving from different yes. There's lots of opportunities, and I'm speaking to all of the listeners and the viewers who might be looking at, hey, I need a change. Right?

[00:16:42]
And you're not stuck with who you are. You just have to be saying, hey, what are some options I maybe haven't thought about before? So if you're a teacher and you think, I want to make a change, it might be to administration and then you can move to another board, right? Yeah. You know, Lynn, it's so interesting you say that.

[00:16:58]
And I have to preface this by saying that Lynn was always an amazing dresser. You always dress very elegantly and professionally. And I'll never forget that day when I saw you with that brown suit. It was just so beautiful and you had a little belt and she looks great. It's hard for us to take compliments, isn't it?

[00:17:1]

So, I mean, that's the other thing where in the past I would be embarrassed and now it's, you know, okay, thank you very much. If we did that more for each other, just imagine how we could lift each other up. Thank you. That made my day.

[00:17:30]
Yeah. I think that is part of our self-appreciation. And as we said earlier, self-forgiveness is to accept compliments because we don't see ourselves. And especially sometimes when you're very organized, you might I'm just saying people might be very A type. We don't see ourselves, we see our fault sexually and we think we're imposters.

[00:17:57]
And for a very long time in this job, in this role, I thought I was an imposter. And I would look around and be like, what am I doing here? I don't need to be here. And then I realized, no, I also come with skills and abilities. And one of them is ESL, because I'm really good at language, so I can speak to the families and explain to them.

[00:18:21]
Because part of our culture I am Middle Eastern as well, and part of our culture is that we're coming hopefully to terms with the fact that kids have special needs. And that's something that I do here as well in intervention, is I work with families and I explain to them that it doesn't mean that you did something wrong. It just is and it's okay. And it's a part of diversity. And your child will have other gifts.

[00:18:54]
And just because they can't read right now doesn't mean that in five years they won't be able to read that's right. We just have to look at it in a different way. Alright. I hate because we could go on with this forever, but we got to talk about philanthropy. You and I didn't discuss this before, but you are described as a philanthropist.

[00:19:13

So help us understand how did that all happen and what is it that you're doing Natasha?

So I've done a lot of work in the community. I still do a lot of work in the community. I don't give like I used to say, I kind of invented different good products. At one point I had a chapstick and I would sell that in salons and all the money I would donate to downtown Mission or different things.

[00:19:41]
When I started my business, what we were doing is taking 10% of the monthly rent and giving that to different charities or anybody who had a call out. So united Way would do a lot. We would give a lot with United Way. And I just felt like, you know, because I invest in Windsor, Essex and my tenants are living and working in Windsor, Essex and I feel like the more a community is supported, the better living they have. And if we can give back to the community, they're giving to us.

[00:20:14]
So I felt like as a business, we should give back to the community and support them the way they're supporting us. And because we invest locally, we should give locally. And so we were doing that and we still do it. We still do it whenever anybody contacts us or we see something. And when I say we, that's because I have accountants and lawyers.

[00:20:39]
So whenever something comes up and then so we just cut a check for whatever it might be. And I feel that it's really important because if you're blessed, then you should be a blessing to others. You know what? I need to have a sidebar conversation with you because my niece and I, who just published the children's book series right, we're on book three out of book five. We've been making donations to various places in the community, but we are looking for a not-for-profit that is not under a larger umbrella where we can do a partnership with some type of permanent partnership where a certain percentage of our sales or there's all kinds of different ways that you can do.

[00:21:17]
Right. I'll just put that out there for anyone in Essex County. Yeah, absolutely. Oh boy. And you're just going to have to model what we talked about earlier.

[00:21:29]

You've received many awards. I'll put you on the spot. Could you just speak about one in particularly? I'm sure they all move you in a different way. What's one you can focus on today?

[00:21:42]
I'm really grateful for all of them. I just think I'm kind of a hard worker and I'm a little bit ambitious and I like doing things and it's nice that people recognize that. But what I'm really proud of is I was able to go to Stanford this year and I did a fellowship at Stanford. So I'm a Stanford fellow and I did have a fellow in law and policy and I was there to defend the fact that we need to change that law and we need to change 100-year-old law that was under colonial rule and it's not okay in 2022 and it just is just not okay. And so I'm really grateful that I was accepted after applying so many times and I'm really proud of myself because there was a lot of very important people there.

[00:23:01]
And I'm proud that I was able to speak on this subject and let it be known that it's just not okay. Well, and so that leads me to another branch because I'm really proud about that. But in your professional speaking, too. So you're so busy right now. Are you still able to accept invitations to be a professional speaker at any forum at any event?

[00:23:30]
I do. I mean, I do accept, and I do like, workshops and talks and things like that. I slowed down a little tiny bit, only because I've had to focus a lot more on my work and my business. And I think I've kind of focused my lens a little bit more, and I think that that has taken up a lot of my time. But of course, I don't decline invitations.

[00:24:00]

And I also seek people out where I think their audience might like to know, they might feel uplifted. And everything is possible if you focus and you plan and you organize, and everything is possible, and you don't have to do it. All. I have to say, I'm not married and I don't have children, so of course I have extra time. I also live in a country currently where health is very readily available, and it's very cheap.

[00:24:37]
So I don't have to clean my own house, I don't have to do my own laundry. That buys me a lot of time. Yeah, but, you know, which goes to my mission to making conscious and positive choices. Right? So where do you spend your time? And some people don't have a choice.

[00:25:00]
They have to go to a job they hate, because there's just not an option for right now. They have to pay the bills out around the table, but that doesn't mean they can't start looking or keeping their eyes open for other opportunities. Those of you who are listening and watching, all right, we've got to jump over to something because you just had an experience. You weren't guitar for the World Cup games, for the FIFA games. All right?

[00:25:20]
So just give me a little bit. Where were we? Oh, I can't remember. Three years ago, four years ago for the World Cup juniors, and we were in Lisbon. And I'll tell you, the energy whoa, boy, do you fly off.

[00:25:33]
I can't imagine. What was it like?
I have never been to something like this before. I've been to games, local games, house games, school games, and stuff like that. I wasn't going to go, but my mom was like, this is an iconic game because A, Canada managed after 36 years to get back in. B, they're playing in Qatar for the first FIFA in the Middle East, and they're playing against Croatia, which is my mom's home country. And my favorite Premier League team is a Croatian team.

[00:26:20]
And so it was like, you gotta go. And at first, I was like, no, I don't have time, I'm too busy. And then a friend of mine from Canada is there for a month and he was like, you have to come. You are a 1-hour plane ride. What's wrong with you?

[00:26:41]
You need to be here. So I got it. I don't even know how I got a ticket and to that specific game. And then I went and it was from the moment I got off the plane, it was as if I was in a magical land. First off, Qatar is the richest country in the world, fuel and gorgeous.

[00:27:05]
And they have this thing organized, like down to the tea, nothing is missing. And it was phenomenal. Like, I've never seen fireworks.

[00:27:25]
You cut out there. Go back to I've never seen fireworks.

[00:27:31]
Okay? I have never seen something like this. Fireworks, people on stilts, bands playing. It was like a carnival dancing. And I mean, the opening ceremonies for this game, I didn't even know that they did something like that for a game. It was out of this world. And, you know, they had this, like, this World Cup, like, spinning in the air and I was just I was in awe for the last two days. In awe. I got back home and I was thinking, do I have to go back to work?

[00:28:12]
It was amazing. Amazing. As you know, you've seen it. Yeah. And we're hoping to go in 2024 or just you think ahead. Oh, well, you should start thinking about you start planting the seed right, to make it happen. Listen, we could talk forever. And I want to apologize to people who are viewing because we've had some ins and outs with the internet here. We're doing our best from two sides of the world. But do you have any final closing comments, Natasha?

[00:28:36]
And where can people find you if they want more information? Sure. So they can always find me on all my social media. It's all the same at Nefese Feghali and that's all my social media. Or Natasha FeFeghali on basically my name, you can find me online.

[00:29:01]
And I would say that when you don't think that you have any more courage left and you can't be brave, that's when you can be your bravest. And where you will find that little ounce of courage inside of you somewhere to push you to the next path or dream or idea. And even if the idea doesn't go anywhere, at least you tried. Who can fault you for having an idea? No one.

[00:29:37]
I just have nothing else to say because those are perfect and beautiful and inspiring closing contractors. And that's what you do. It just comes to you naturally. So thank you so much for joining, for joining us from overseas, and I wish you all the very best. Natasha thank you, Lynn, for having me.

[00:29:55]
And I feel like this won't be the last time. No, I'm very grateful. I'm very grateful to you. I'm grateful to you. Right back at you.

[00:30:05]
I just love it when there's so much energy and I connect with my guests. We just have this two-way connection. It's fantastic. That was awesome, Natasha. And our next guest will be Helen panels.

[00:30:15]
And Helen's doing some really fascinating things in the United States around advocacy for parents. She is the CEO of the Dynamics Learning Academy, and she and I have connected pretty well as well. So we'll see you in two weeks’ time. Stay healthy and safe.

[00:30:37] Music Outro
Thanks for tuning in and posting your review of taking the helm on your favorite platform. We'll give you a shout-out in a future episode to be inspired by people who are steering us in the right direction. Go to lynmclaucklin.com, where you can search previous guests by the topic of your choice. And while you're there, download Lynn's gift. There's more than one way to get through a crisis.

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