Conscious, positive choices

As an educator for 31 years, I loved my career. The concrete evidence of the direct impact I had on my students drove me forward every day, regardless of what role I was in. That’s what it’s all about, and should be.

Yet, there is conflict, too often. Whatever our profession, conflict is part of life. Not only in the world of work, but in our own homes. Aren’t conflicts a good thing? Shouldn’t they drive us to discussions and deeper understandings of the issue and possible resolutions? Without them, how would any organization move forward? Differences of opinion are wonderful and needed, but when we react and don’t use the tools at our disposal, the end result is increased worry, stress levels and negative affects on our own health. How do we take personal control and rise above it?

Awareness. The first step to facing conflict has to be becoming aware of our personal responses in any given situation. Do we engage in the negative dialogue in the lunchroom and perpetuate the downward spiral? Do we complain about co-workers, family members or neighbours? Do we argue with our partners over things that are inconsequential? Why do we initiate or engage in negativity?

What if? What if the next time someone tries to pull us into their own conflict, we choose to not engage? Do we choose to not enter that downward spiral? Do we choose to become aware that participating may have negative consequences? What if we could become aware that our own actions could be the cause of conflict before it even starts? I’m not suggesting we walk away from issues that matter, but how much of the stress in our lives is avoidable by conscious choice?

Over the holidays my husband and oldest son began a conversation about the pros and cons of proportional representation in Canadian politics. They are polar opposites, and needless to say, they each spoke their piece. I caught myself wanting to jump in, getting upset over some of the arguments that went against what I believed was right. I entered “defensive mode,” so to say. Because I caught myself, I immediately made a decision to not engage, but to listen and ask questions. I listened to understand, stopping myself from becoming upset. It made a difference. The conversation continued while I agreed to disagree with some, but not all of the points that were made.

I made a conscious decision not to engage and “argue” my points, finding middle ground. My blood pressure stayed steady, with no anger, no stress. I continued to enjoy our time together throughout the evening. No one walked away, upset about something we each care about.

As we move through our day, we can learn to be aware of what we bring to any given situation. We can pause before engaging and consider what other options are at our disposal. We can reset our reactionary mode by learning to be aware and making the conscious choice to rise above what is pulling ourselves and others down. We won’t only decrease our own stress levels, but those around us and maybe, just maybe… change the outcome to a positive one!

What's it all About?

Last week, my husband and I were on a highway in Maine, after a long road trip relocating our son to the east coast. We were heading for a two-day vacation in Boston. It was raining very hard and I was getting quite nervous, to the point of repeatedly asking my husband to slow down. He was in total control, an excellent driver, yet I was imposing my discomfort on him. I realized that it was me causing the stress between us in the truck, not to mention distracting him. I consciously decided to take my eyes off the road, trust him to do what he was doing so well, and focus on a Sudoku Puzzle. Talk about a difference! Being aware of what we bring into a situation can give us the power to change our mindset and the circumstances in which we find ourselves.  Try it!

So what is it all about? How many times have we asked ourselves this question in our quest to understand our purpose in this life? My guess is much more frequently than we realize, but we don't dig deep enough because the answers are not staring us in the face. They're hard to find, even more difficult to understand sometimes. When tragedy strikes, what do we do with that? How do we grapple with the next question, "Why"? Our answers are moving targets, or so I have discovered. What I knew to be my self ten years ago is very different than the person I am today. Experiences teach us, or should, to consider things from a different perspective. Otherwise, will we grow and evolve to become the best person we can be? If we are stuck in our mindset from 10 years ago, is that healthy? Maybe it is for some who feel they have accomplished their goals and given all they have to offer. From my point of view, it's not that easy.

My illness 6 years ago was quite frankly, the kick in the teeth I needed. I was giving to others, committed to my roles as mother, wife, friend, daughter and sibling. BUT so caught up in the whirlwind of "Gotta do it now".  That mindset almost cost me my life. I ignored symptoms. Other things were too important - the meetings, the phone calls, errands, cheering on my teenage children, planning schedules... you name it. Were some of those things important? Absolutely, but they should never have taken priority over my health. Even now, retired for almost one year (September 1st), and working part time, I have to take steps back and ask, "Is this really what I need to be doing right now?". Is this going to make a difference to anyone? Can my time be better spent giving, learning and growing as a person? We need to turn ourselves off, actually take time to reflect and consciously make decisions to not only lower our stress levels, but truly bring happiness to ourselves and others.

All the best of health and happiness to you and yours,